Monday, April 21, 2008
Hiya
So, what's been happening during the week I've been too busy to blog? Well...
Tuesday I had dinner with a friend who lives here and is originally from Penang, who also lived in Boston and New York before coming here. I helped him shop for a new mattress, we had Afghan food, and he gave me advice for a friend of mine in Penang who wants to come study here (hi, Azhan!!). He was thrilled to be riding in my Beetle (frankly, I was thrilled it was working) because he used to have one in Boston. It was from him that I learned that I can raise the front seats. It totally changed my driving experience.
Wednesday night my friend Doug was in town. Ah, Doug, who when I met him was a college student living in a (admittedly nice) trailer in Colorado, and who now lives in Germany with his hot German boyfriend. How times have changed. We had a nice long talk on the way into DC for dinner about all the stuff going on here at home...he'd read the basics from my blog but seeing as we've known each other for about 13 years he was getting concerned about my change in tone over the last couple years and he wanted to make sure I'm cool. And for that, I am appreciative. Also in the outing was Arlington Michael (who now lives in DC but once I give you a nickname, it sticks) who, in an odd twist of fate, dated Doug after Doug moved to DC a few years ago. Michael's boyfriend Mike (whom I have not yet graced with a Michael-nickname, though Hottie Michael would be appropriate) was also there, which means that for a while before Adrian joined us, Arlington Michael was sitting with a tableful of people who had ALL SLEPT WITH HIM. That had to be totally hot. For him.
Thursday night Stan came over and I fixed dinner and we watched Super Troopers. I thought this was going to be some sort of a Reno 911 kind of thing but it was actually really good. Oh, and my pasta was all right, though the bread I'd gotten the night before from Safeway had mold on it so BOO for Safeway.
Incidentally, people have been asking me who Stan is, so here's a pic:
We met at Josh and Angelo's Halloween party and had some professional things in common. We got to talking, met up for lunch a couple times, and over the past few months have turned into really good friends. He's a lot of fun to hang out with and we share interests but also are up for new things so it's never boring. I won't talk much about what a great guy he is because he reads this and it might embarrass him, but I will say he likes to drink for free on Thursday nights and leave it at that (the DC boys know what that means).
Friday night Justin came over, I fixed up a little dinner, and we watched the Miss USA pageant, which I'd TIVO'd. Justin is a big fan of pageants going back to his younger days, and I have to admit I got really caught up in it as the evening went on. I was very impressed with the young lady who won and who will be representing the US at Miss Universe in Vietnam this summer.
Saturday was a good day. I met Stan and we ran 3 miles in the morning...it was a beautiful day so getting out was a must. Then I spent a few hours doing some errands and working on a project I'm trying to get off the ground. My favorite line of the day came from Ethan, who called around mid-afternoon:
So I ran again, 5 miles this time, and it was all good, even my knee.
Sunday was dragon boat practice and naturally it started raining while we were on the river. Just a light rain at first but then it REALLY came down hard.
Today I was going to run on the machines in the gym because it was still raining but when I stepped outside it had stopped. So I decided to run outside and hadn't gone more than 100 meters before the rain started coming down again. i thought about going back to the gym but everyone had seen me leave and I didn't want to look like a wuss. After all, it's only water, right? So yeah, it came down hard and I was pretty soaked after 3 miles, but at least I had the running trail to myself.
And now it's late and definitely time for sleeping!!
Tuesday I had dinner with a friend who lives here and is originally from Penang, who also lived in Boston and New York before coming here. I helped him shop for a new mattress, we had Afghan food, and he gave me advice for a friend of mine in Penang who wants to come study here (hi, Azhan!!). He was thrilled to be riding in my Beetle (frankly, I was thrilled it was working) because he used to have one in Boston. It was from him that I learned that I can raise the front seats. It totally changed my driving experience.
Wednesday night my friend Doug was in town. Ah, Doug, who when I met him was a college student living in a (admittedly nice) trailer in Colorado, and who now lives in Germany with his hot German boyfriend. How times have changed. We had a nice long talk on the way into DC for dinner about all the stuff going on here at home...he'd read the basics from my blog but seeing as we've known each other for about 13 years he was getting concerned about my change in tone over the last couple years and he wanted to make sure I'm cool. And for that, I am appreciative. Also in the outing was Arlington Michael (who now lives in DC but once I give you a nickname, it sticks) who, in an odd twist of fate, dated Doug after Doug moved to DC a few years ago. Michael's boyfriend Mike (whom I have not yet graced with a Michael-nickname, though Hottie Michael would be appropriate) was also there, which means that for a while before Adrian joined us, Arlington Michael was sitting with a tableful of people who had ALL SLEPT WITH HIM. That had to be totally hot. For him.
Thursday night Stan came over and I fixed dinner and we watched Super Troopers. I thought this was going to be some sort of a Reno 911 kind of thing but it was actually really good. Oh, and my pasta was all right, though the bread I'd gotten the night before from Safeway had mold on it so BOO for Safeway.
Incidentally, people have been asking me who Stan is, so here's a pic:
We met at Josh and Angelo's Halloween party and had some professional things in common. We got to talking, met up for lunch a couple times, and over the past few months have turned into really good friends. He's a lot of fun to hang out with and we share interests but also are up for new things so it's never boring. I won't talk much about what a great guy he is because he reads this and it might embarrass him, but I will say he likes to drink for free on Thursday nights and leave it at that (the DC boys know what that means).
Friday night Justin came over, I fixed up a little dinner, and we watched the Miss USA pageant, which I'd TIVO'd. Justin is a big fan of pageants going back to his younger days, and I have to admit I got really caught up in it as the evening went on. I was very impressed with the young lady who won and who will be representing the US at Miss Universe in Vietnam this summer.
Saturday was a good day. I met Stan and we ran 3 miles in the morning...it was a beautiful day so getting out was a must. Then I spent a few hours doing some errands and working on a project I'm trying to get off the ground. My favorite line of the day came from Ethan, who called around mid-afternoon:
Ethan: We're going running this evening, you want to go?
Me; I already ran once today.
Ethan: So? You can eat in the morning and evening, why can't you run twice?
Me: I have no good response to that.
So I ran again, 5 miles this time, and it was all good, even my knee.
Sunday was dragon boat practice and naturally it started raining while we were on the river. Just a light rain at first but then it REALLY came down hard.
Me: My hair's going to be a mess for Happy Hour.
Guy behind me: I'm more concerned about that lightning, and the fact we're in a metal boat in the middle of a river.
Me: I have no good response to that.
Today I was going to run on the machines in the gym because it was still raining but when I stepped outside it had stopped. So I decided to run outside and hadn't gone more than 100 meters before the rain started coming down again. i thought about going back to the gym but everyone had seen me leave and I didn't want to look like a wuss. After all, it's only water, right? So yeah, it came down hard and I was pretty soaked after 3 miles, but at least I had the running trail to myself.
And now it's late and definitely time for sleeping!!
Labels: Friends, Life, Relationships
Friday, January 04, 2008
Smells Good
Adrian brought me flowers Wednesday and apologized for the way New Year's Eve went. He said that wasn't the way he wanted to start 2008. I appreciated that he acknowledged he made some mistakes. And the flowers smell very nice.
I'm on a small adventure tonight. Not quite as crazy as I first thought. But crazy enough. And sure to be fun! Details to follow.
I'm on a small adventure tonight. Not quite as crazy as I first thought. But crazy enough. And sure to be fun! Details to follow.
Labels: Relationships
Monday, December 31, 2007
It's That Day
As with all years past I'll take today to kind of wrap up there last 365 days. It's been a wild ride of a year...things I expected got shifted around, things I totally didn't expect popped up, and all in all one of the best things I can say about the year is that no one shot directly at me. Though the year isn't over for about another 8 hours, so we'll see.
There are some things I mentioned last December that I was going to do that, unfortunately, didn't get done. I was planning to upload all my journal archives from before the big Diary-X crash, but the external hard drive where they're stored has crapped out on me and I can't get them off of it. I need to buy another drive and have someone go in and get the data off the bad one to transfer to the new one, but so far I've been lazy and haven't done that. Another thing I'd hoped to do was work on my dissertation, finally turning it into a book I can publish. I think there are some good ideas in there (and someone must agree...my dissertation spends a lot of time checked out of the two libraries where it resides) and I need to get it out into a more mainstream forum before time passes me by. I got going on it in earnest toward the end of the year at work but then some other things came up that took precedence. However, I've got a schedule for finishing it and I guess I can just bump the schedule a couple months and get back on it, and then I'll be fine.
Some totally unexpected things came up this year and I guess I should expect the same in 2008. The biggest was that I went to Afghanistan for 2 months, in June and July, to train the faculty at a military school. This was my second war (though, unlike Iraq where I got shot at every day, this time I only heard gunfire but never had it directed at me) and I think I'm done with the whole "war" thing. Of course, I thought that after Iraq, too. My time there was interesting and I felt I did some good, so even though there were some hardships there, at least it was rewarding. I have to say, though, that it hardened my resolve to get far away from the government when I leave my job in 2009.
My job has been a big let down in some ways this year, though I have tried to find an upside. I realized by the end of last year that I wouldn't be doing the work I signed on to do. Since then I've found I don't have much to do at all...we are overstaffed in my office, and my boss has no concept of "leadership" so I haven't really been given a clearly defined job to do. I've been taking on tasks as they come in, which is not really my strength (I'm best at the "long range" stuff) so I've been bored. That, in fact, is a big reason I volunteered for Afghanistan. I talked over the problem with my bosses when I left, but in the 5 months since I returned, nothing much has changed. Rather than complaining to them about it, I looked around for a position in another agency, but finally decided instead to take advantage of the free time I have at work to work on projects for other organizations and also start doing some serious planning for my post-government future. I also managed to publish a chapter in a book about the war in Iraq, so that's cool.
That planning, which I talked about at the end of last year, has moved forward. 2007 was my year to figure out what I want to do next, 2008 is my year to get things in place for the transition, and 2009 is the year it all comes together. So far this year I've developed a number of job plans and looked at the costs and benefits of all of them, trying to come up with the best option. I have a pretty good business plan laid out for my own consulting firm, and I'm also looking into teaching possibilities in the DC area. I still have some things to learn about, like marketing and such, but overall I have a decent idea and I want to start making it happen next year, testing the waters a bit. My goals are to have interesting work taking advantage of skills and knowledge I have, a flexible schedule, travel, and good money. While I'm wishing, I'd also like a pony. But hey, if you don't try, you can never succeed.
The one advantage of work this year has been the opportunity for travel. I've been to Hawaii twice, once for work and once for a combination of work and vacation. I've visited San Francisco twice, as well as Dallas and Tampa, and a trip to Atlanta which was very short and pretty boring. I also made it to Chicago, where I gave a paper but also got out of the hotel, which I don't often do on business trips to that city. Adrian and I also took a non-work trip to Puerto Rico for a long weekend last spring, and we met friends in New York back in February, while I also had a solo trip there in October. The big trip for me, of course, was to Asia in September, partially funded by work but also using the 10 vacation days I still had to use by the first of October. That. Was. Amazing. I got a day in Bangkok, though Bom had to go out of town and I wasn't able to see him. It was my first visit to Vietnam, and I got to spend a few days in Hanoi. Then I was off to Kuala Lumpur for 5 days, which was so much fun I still smile when I think of it. Afterwards I had 3 days in Hong Kong, which was a great time, then I headed back home and went to work the following day. Needless to say, I was a tired pup for a week. A planned trip to the Philippines for work got called off, though I hope to go in the coming year. I also am planning to get back to Singapore and Malaysia this year -- I got a research grant for a policy study and need to do some interviews in both countries. I'll probably add some Bangkok and Hong Kong time to that trip. And there are some other professional possibilities that might take me back to the region next year, though if that doesn't work out, I'll probably take a vacation over there.
As always, the best part of traveling is seeing old friends and meeting new ones. January's trip to Dallas led me to meet Ken from Bangkok who's now in Miami...a completely random meetup in a club, neither of us realizing the other was in town, and never having met before...how weird is that? In March I met Paulo while dancing in San Francisco, and in November we got to meet up again and go to dinner and get to know each other more than a dance floor with loud music allows. My time in Afghanistan allowed me to meet some professional colleagues who are pretty cool, so that was nice. After returning I saw I'd gotten e-mails from a couple folks on Fridae and after chatting with them I later got to meet them, so yay for meeting Eddie in Malaysia (who has tuned into a very special friend, someone who has captured his own place in my heart) and later Tony in Hong Kong. Also in HK I got to meet Eric, whom I've known over a year online but hadn't met yet. Of course, the big group meetup was in Kuala Lumpur, where I got to meet David, Frankie, Sam, Daniel, Paul, Alex, Jason, Jason Jr, Janvier, Cheryl, Thaddes, and Adrien. And of course, there was William...if you ask me why two people form a a strong emotional connection, I couldn't say, but if you ask me if it exists, I'd say YES! Can't explain it but I feel a special bond to William, and I think it's more than just the name thing. heh heh And no, it's not a physical thing, so the skanks among you can quit worrying about that. The last trip of the year, to Honolulu, led me to meet Kester, who is also friends with a couple people I know in Singapore...small world! And of course, October's trip to NYC led me to meet Paul, a very special guy who e-mailed me pretty much every day I was in Afghanistan, which helped...another "Fridae friend" who has tuned into a very cool real world friend. I also had the pleasure of meeting Joel on that trip, who is as funny and insightful in real life as he is on his blog that I've read for over a year.
This was also a year for new friends right here at home. Danny and I have finally gotten to know each other after a brief meeting in 2006. I met Vu and Troy and have gravitated into their circle of friends. Dan from Baltimore is another great guy I've gotten to know. And of course, Linh and I met late in the year and already I feel a strong friendship growing. I'm a lucky man.
Some of my existing friendships grew stronger this year. Ethan and I have gotten closer...the fact that we now work 2 blocks from each other makes it easier to get together during the week, and that's very cool. I got to meet up with Fritz a few times this year, both here and in Hawaii. Justin and I have gotten to know each other better as well. I didn't get to see Allan in Singapore this year, which is a real shame 'cuz I miss him, but I'll see him in the new year. Same with Bom. A few of my friends have had a rough time of it...one suffered a loss midway through the year, other friends have had serious problems in their relationships...but I think everyone is strong enough to bounce back from these and move forward.
It's been important to me to meet new friends and reconnect with old ones. Friends have always been the most important thing to me, and I've lost a part of that. It's time to reclaim them, reclaim that fun, and I'm glad I am. I think finally getting active on Facebook has helped. heh heh
As for me? I'm doing well, I think. I got serious about taking care of myself earlier in the year and managed to lose 20 pounds while adding muscle...much of that came from being in Afghanistan, with body armor all the time and nothing to do but work out after finishing my job, and of course I don't recommend that for everyone. I'm pleased I've been able to stay in good shape, though I have faltered during the holidays and will get back into my routine this week. After a few years of some serious body issues I'm actually happy with how I look now and am determined to maintain it for both health and looks. I'm also registered to run in two races next spring. In the last year I've explored some new interests, done a bit of new reading, and made goals for myself that I've later achieved, so that's all good. I may not be thrilled about everything in my life...and I may be a very different person from my normal self...but I think I'm in a good place right now.
The reason I'm a different person, and the reason I'm not totally content with where I am in life, is simple: Adrian and I. At the end of last year he said he wanted to work on things and try to get back together, but it's been a roller-coaster year as far as that goes. I've been up a few times but down most of the time, and that's why I tell many of my new friends "I wish you'd met me before all this because I'm really a much better person than I seem right now." The situation has been so confusing, and so complicated...I think most friends have given up trying to understand it, which is OK since I don't understand it myself. After 16 months of being depressed about it one thing is clear: it needs to get resolved, and soon, so my life can move forward again.
But we have still had some fun...a couple parties at the condo, the trips to Puerto Rico and Hawaii. When I look at the balance sheet for the year, I have to say it comes out with a profit rather than a loss. And I have next year to look forward to: getting ready for my post-government career, maybe doing some teaching, possible finishing writing one book and starting another (need to get to work on those). I also intend to meet some online friends: DanielHenry in KL, Harper and Luke Elijah in Singapore, Huy in Australia, and of course, Azhan in Malaysia (I'll try to sneak you-know-who into my suitcase for you!). I also plan to finally meet derek in Singapore...so strange that I've met his friends and his boyfriend but haven't actually met him yet. I expect to spend some more time in New York, hanging out with Scooter and getting to know Paul better. I'm hoping to see Kester again in Honolulu, and visit some new places: Taiwan, maybe, or Vancouver. I'm scheduled to go to Portland for work, and San Francisco too...that should be fun. I have tickets to see My Fair Lady at the Kennedy Center (thank you Adrian!) and the Spice Girls with Linh. I want to see my KL brothers again. I need to spend some time with Eddie in Malaysia and get Allan to slow down long enough for a hug or two or twelve. I hope to see Bom again and will visit Thailand simply for that reason. I would like my friendships here to grow stronger...I want people to know I'm not always such a mess, I'm actually someone they can count on. The bottom line is, I want to be happier, and I want to make everyone around me happier.
But isn't that what all of us want?
Happy New Year, everybody.
There are some things I mentioned last December that I was going to do that, unfortunately, didn't get done. I was planning to upload all my journal archives from before the big Diary-X crash, but the external hard drive where they're stored has crapped out on me and I can't get them off of it. I need to buy another drive and have someone go in and get the data off the bad one to transfer to the new one, but so far I've been lazy and haven't done that. Another thing I'd hoped to do was work on my dissertation, finally turning it into a book I can publish. I think there are some good ideas in there (and someone must agree...my dissertation spends a lot of time checked out of the two libraries where it resides) and I need to get it out into a more mainstream forum before time passes me by. I got going on it in earnest toward the end of the year at work but then some other things came up that took precedence. However, I've got a schedule for finishing it and I guess I can just bump the schedule a couple months and get back on it, and then I'll be fine.
Some totally unexpected things came up this year and I guess I should expect the same in 2008. The biggest was that I went to Afghanistan for 2 months, in June and July, to train the faculty at a military school. This was my second war (though, unlike Iraq where I got shot at every day, this time I only heard gunfire but never had it directed at me) and I think I'm done with the whole "war" thing. Of course, I thought that after Iraq, too. My time there was interesting and I felt I did some good, so even though there were some hardships there, at least it was rewarding. I have to say, though, that it hardened my resolve to get far away from the government when I leave my job in 2009.
My job has been a big let down in some ways this year, though I have tried to find an upside. I realized by the end of last year that I wouldn't be doing the work I signed on to do. Since then I've found I don't have much to do at all...we are overstaffed in my office, and my boss has no concept of "leadership" so I haven't really been given a clearly defined job to do. I've been taking on tasks as they come in, which is not really my strength (I'm best at the "long range" stuff) so I've been bored. That, in fact, is a big reason I volunteered for Afghanistan. I talked over the problem with my bosses when I left, but in the 5 months since I returned, nothing much has changed. Rather than complaining to them about it, I looked around for a position in another agency, but finally decided instead to take advantage of the free time I have at work to work on projects for other organizations and also start doing some serious planning for my post-government future. I also managed to publish a chapter in a book about the war in Iraq, so that's cool.
That planning, which I talked about at the end of last year, has moved forward. 2007 was my year to figure out what I want to do next, 2008 is my year to get things in place for the transition, and 2009 is the year it all comes together. So far this year I've developed a number of job plans and looked at the costs and benefits of all of them, trying to come up with the best option. I have a pretty good business plan laid out for my own consulting firm, and I'm also looking into teaching possibilities in the DC area. I still have some things to learn about, like marketing and such, but overall I have a decent idea and I want to start making it happen next year, testing the waters a bit. My goals are to have interesting work taking advantage of skills and knowledge I have, a flexible schedule, travel, and good money. While I'm wishing, I'd also like a pony. But hey, if you don't try, you can never succeed.
The one advantage of work this year has been the opportunity for travel. I've been to Hawaii twice, once for work and once for a combination of work and vacation. I've visited San Francisco twice, as well as Dallas and Tampa, and a trip to Atlanta which was very short and pretty boring. I also made it to Chicago, where I gave a paper but also got out of the hotel, which I don't often do on business trips to that city. Adrian and I also took a non-work trip to Puerto Rico for a long weekend last spring, and we met friends in New York back in February, while I also had a solo trip there in October. The big trip for me, of course, was to Asia in September, partially funded by work but also using the 10 vacation days I still had to use by the first of October. That. Was. Amazing. I got a day in Bangkok, though Bom had to go out of town and I wasn't able to see him. It was my first visit to Vietnam, and I got to spend a few days in Hanoi. Then I was off to Kuala Lumpur for 5 days, which was so much fun I still smile when I think of it. Afterwards I had 3 days in Hong Kong, which was a great time, then I headed back home and went to work the following day. Needless to say, I was a tired pup for a week. A planned trip to the Philippines for work got called off, though I hope to go in the coming year. I also am planning to get back to Singapore and Malaysia this year -- I got a research grant for a policy study and need to do some interviews in both countries. I'll probably add some Bangkok and Hong Kong time to that trip. And there are some other professional possibilities that might take me back to the region next year, though if that doesn't work out, I'll probably take a vacation over there.
As always, the best part of traveling is seeing old friends and meeting new ones. January's trip to Dallas led me to meet Ken from Bangkok who's now in Miami...a completely random meetup in a club, neither of us realizing the other was in town, and never having met before...how weird is that? In March I met Paulo while dancing in San Francisco, and in November we got to meet up again and go to dinner and get to know each other more than a dance floor with loud music allows. My time in Afghanistan allowed me to meet some professional colleagues who are pretty cool, so that was nice. After returning I saw I'd gotten e-mails from a couple folks on Fridae and after chatting with them I later got to meet them, so yay for meeting Eddie in Malaysia (who has tuned into a very special friend, someone who has captured his own place in my heart) and later Tony in Hong Kong. Also in HK I got to meet Eric, whom I've known over a year online but hadn't met yet. Of course, the big group meetup was in Kuala Lumpur, where I got to meet David, Frankie, Sam, Daniel, Paul, Alex, Jason, Jason Jr, Janvier, Cheryl, Thaddes, and Adrien. And of course, there was William...if you ask me why two people form a a strong emotional connection, I couldn't say, but if you ask me if it exists, I'd say YES! Can't explain it but I feel a special bond to William, and I think it's more than just the name thing. heh heh And no, it's not a physical thing, so the skanks among you can quit worrying about that. The last trip of the year, to Honolulu, led me to meet Kester, who is also friends with a couple people I know in Singapore...small world! And of course, October's trip to NYC led me to meet Paul, a very special guy who e-mailed me pretty much every day I was in Afghanistan, which helped...another "Fridae friend" who has tuned into a very cool real world friend. I also had the pleasure of meeting Joel on that trip, who is as funny and insightful in real life as he is on his blog that I've read for over a year.
This was also a year for new friends right here at home. Danny and I have finally gotten to know each other after a brief meeting in 2006. I met Vu and Troy and have gravitated into their circle of friends. Dan from Baltimore is another great guy I've gotten to know. And of course, Linh and I met late in the year and already I feel a strong friendship growing. I'm a lucky man.
Some of my existing friendships grew stronger this year. Ethan and I have gotten closer...the fact that we now work 2 blocks from each other makes it easier to get together during the week, and that's very cool. I got to meet up with Fritz a few times this year, both here and in Hawaii. Justin and I have gotten to know each other better as well. I didn't get to see Allan in Singapore this year, which is a real shame 'cuz I miss him, but I'll see him in the new year. Same with Bom. A few of my friends have had a rough time of it...one suffered a loss midway through the year, other friends have had serious problems in their relationships...but I think everyone is strong enough to bounce back from these and move forward.
It's been important to me to meet new friends and reconnect with old ones. Friends have always been the most important thing to me, and I've lost a part of that. It's time to reclaim them, reclaim that fun, and I'm glad I am. I think finally getting active on Facebook has helped. heh heh
As for me? I'm doing well, I think. I got serious about taking care of myself earlier in the year and managed to lose 20 pounds while adding muscle...much of that came from being in Afghanistan, with body armor all the time and nothing to do but work out after finishing my job, and of course I don't recommend that for everyone. I'm pleased I've been able to stay in good shape, though I have faltered during the holidays and will get back into my routine this week. After a few years of some serious body issues I'm actually happy with how I look now and am determined to maintain it for both health and looks. I'm also registered to run in two races next spring. In the last year I've explored some new interests, done a bit of new reading, and made goals for myself that I've later achieved, so that's all good. I may not be thrilled about everything in my life...and I may be a very different person from my normal self...but I think I'm in a good place right now.
The reason I'm a different person, and the reason I'm not totally content with where I am in life, is simple: Adrian and I. At the end of last year he said he wanted to work on things and try to get back together, but it's been a roller-coaster year as far as that goes. I've been up a few times but down most of the time, and that's why I tell many of my new friends "I wish you'd met me before all this because I'm really a much better person than I seem right now." The situation has been so confusing, and so complicated...I think most friends have given up trying to understand it, which is OK since I don't understand it myself. After 16 months of being depressed about it one thing is clear: it needs to get resolved, and soon, so my life can move forward again.
But we have still had some fun...a couple parties at the condo, the trips to Puerto Rico and Hawaii. When I look at the balance sheet for the year, I have to say it comes out with a profit rather than a loss. And I have next year to look forward to: getting ready for my post-government career, maybe doing some teaching, possible finishing writing one book and starting another (need to get to work on those). I also intend to meet some online friends: DanielHenry in KL, Harper and Luke Elijah in Singapore, Huy in Australia, and of course, Azhan in Malaysia (I'll try to sneak you-know-who into my suitcase for you!). I also plan to finally meet derek in Singapore...so strange that I've met his friends and his boyfriend but haven't actually met him yet. I expect to spend some more time in New York, hanging out with Scooter and getting to know Paul better. I'm hoping to see Kester again in Honolulu, and visit some new places: Taiwan, maybe, or Vancouver. I'm scheduled to go to Portland for work, and San Francisco too...that should be fun. I have tickets to see My Fair Lady at the Kennedy Center (thank you Adrian!) and the Spice Girls with Linh. I want to see my KL brothers again. I need to spend some time with Eddie in Malaysia and get Allan to slow down long enough for a hug or two or twelve. I hope to see Bom again and will visit Thailand simply for that reason. I would like my friendships here to grow stronger...I want people to know I'm not always such a mess, I'm actually someone they can count on. The bottom line is, I want to be happier, and I want to make everyone around me happier.
But isn't that what all of us want?
Happy New Year, everybody.
Labels: Friends, Life, Questions, Relationships, Teaching, Travel, Wandering Mind, Work
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Run, Ethan, Run
I'm getting a day behind on my journal so it's time to get caught up.
Sunday I went to see Ethan finish running his first marathon. He completed the 26.2 mile (42.1648 km) Marine Corps Marathon in just over four and a half hours.
Ethan got into training for the marathon after his friend (and now my friend) Vu invited him last spring. They trained all through the summer, running every other day, either after work or at 5am on Saturdays. They also worked out at the gym 5 days a week. In the end, Ethan ran along with Vu and Vu's cousin Louise, and they all finished the race.
It's been hard getting the chance to see Ethan these last few months, what with his training schedule and all. In addition to the marathon he's helped other friends out by appearing in local dance productions and modeling contests, all in addiiton to starting a new job. I have been very impressed by Ethan's dedication to his goal and the balance he somehow maintains in his life...while his life right now is not exactly what I would want for myself -- everyone is unique, of course -- the example he is setting is one I hope to emulate.
More pics are available here. And yes I do have some other Ethan pics that I will post soon, for someone out there who really likes to see them. (He stopped by last night to borrow one of Adrian's suits, and suddenly there were wigs involved)
Last night I got a call from Linh to borrow some of my clothes from Afghanistan for a Halloween costume. After trying on a few things he decided on a set then we hung out and talked and looked at photos for a while. Nice night.
Tonight Adrian and I and a bunch of friends went to see the annual 17th Street High Heel Race here in Washington DC. This is a big race consisting of drag queens running down the gayest street in town. It starts with a 2-hour "work the runway" parade, followed by a 100-yard dash. I was there to support Dayna, who raced as Mulan (her photos are in my Halloween party pics from this weekend).
Then got home and found that my car, which has a dead battery, is parked in a spot that as of 7am tomorrow needs to be vacated for some building renovation work. After a bit of scrambling I managed to jump start it and move it out of danger. This was not what I needed, after Adrian and I had a late night argument Monday that left me with only 2 hours of sleep. there are some dark storm clouds brewing over that one.
But then I got to finish baking cookies for an office function tomorrow, so that's cool.
Sunday I went to see Ethan finish running his first marathon. He completed the 26.2 mile (42.1648 km) Marine Corps Marathon in just over four and a half hours.
Ethan got into training for the marathon after his friend (and now my friend) Vu invited him last spring. They trained all through the summer, running every other day, either after work or at 5am on Saturdays. They also worked out at the gym 5 days a week. In the end, Ethan ran along with Vu and Vu's cousin Louise, and they all finished the race.
It's been hard getting the chance to see Ethan these last few months, what with his training schedule and all. In addition to the marathon he's helped other friends out by appearing in local dance productions and modeling contests, all in addiiton to starting a new job. I have been very impressed by Ethan's dedication to his goal and the balance he somehow maintains in his life...while his life right now is not exactly what I would want for myself -- everyone is unique, of course -- the example he is setting is one I hope to emulate.
More pics are available here. And yes I do have some other Ethan pics that I will post soon, for someone out there who really likes to see them. (He stopped by last night to borrow one of Adrian's suits, and suddenly there were wigs involved)
Last night I got a call from Linh to borrow some of my clothes from Afghanistan for a Halloween costume. After trying on a few things he decided on a set then we hung out and talked and looked at photos for a while. Nice night.
Tonight Adrian and I and a bunch of friends went to see the annual 17th Street High Heel Race here in Washington DC. This is a big race consisting of drag queens running down the gayest street in town. It starts with a 2-hour "work the runway" parade, followed by a 100-yard dash. I was there to support Dayna, who raced as Mulan (her photos are in my Halloween party pics from this weekend).
Then got home and found that my car, which has a dead battery, is parked in a spot that as of 7am tomorrow needs to be vacated for some building renovation work. After a bit of scrambling I managed to jump start it and move it out of danger. This was not what I needed, after Adrian and I had a late night argument Monday that left me with only 2 hours of sleep. there are some dark storm clouds brewing over that one.
But then I got to finish baking cookies for an office function tomorrow, so that's cool.
Labels: Friends, Life, Relationships
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tired Tuesday Night
Because someone (a different someone this time) asked for it, here are two more pics. But seriously, that's it.
On a less gratuitous note, Adrian and I had a long talk last night, a couple hours' worth. A lot of things that had been building up during the last few weeks finally came out, things I'd been thinking about, things underneath (and often hidden by) the bad emotions that had been simmering. Last night seemed to be a turning point, but then, there have been a few of those during the past year, and I've been disappointed each time, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up TOO much. But at least we talked about these issues and Adrian agreed on the need to do some things, so there is a faint glimmering of hope. One thing I've realized, if we are able to come back together, our relationship will be a bit different from what it was before. Part of that is because whatever we had before led to a breakup, and that's not good. And part of it is, considering this has dragged on now for over a year, we've both changed during that time...whatever we had is gone because those two people are gone. But that's not necessarily a bad thing...maybe this is just a way for relationships to naturally evolve.
Hmmm, that's getting a bit heavy. My advice: just go back and look at those pictures again.
On a less gratuitous note, Adrian and I had a long talk last night, a couple hours' worth. A lot of things that had been building up during the last few weeks finally came out, things I'd been thinking about, things underneath (and often hidden by) the bad emotions that had been simmering. Last night seemed to be a turning point, but then, there have been a few of those during the past year, and I've been disappointed each time, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up TOO much. But at least we talked about these issues and Adrian agreed on the need to do some things, so there is a faint glimmering of hope. One thing I've realized, if we are able to come back together, our relationship will be a bit different from what it was before. Part of that is because whatever we had before led to a breakup, and that's not good. And part of it is, considering this has dragged on now for over a year, we've both changed during that time...whatever we had is gone because those two people are gone. But that's not necessarily a bad thing...maybe this is just a way for relationships to naturally evolve.
Hmmm, that's getting a bit heavy. My advice: just go back and look at those pictures again.
Labels: Bars, Friends, Relationships
Monday, October 01, 2007
7 Years and Counting
7 years ago today I started this blog.
Considering I'd never kept a written journal for longer than 2 weeks, that's quite an accomplishment, if I do say so myself.
I still need to get my remaining archives posted here...the external hard drive where they're saved (the ones I managed to retain after the Diary-X crash) has gone bad, and I need to get a new drive and get the data off the old one if I can. I hope so...there may be a book in all this material. perhaps not a good one, but...
Here's where I was when this started, and where I am today:
OUR STORY THUS FAR
My name is William...Bill for short.
Now, of course, I go by Will. Except by those who have known me longer than 10 years and can't change. Or by those also named Wililam who want to avoid confusion.
I'm 34, a grad student pursuing my PhD.
Now I'm 41, have finished my PhD, and taught at a university in the meantime.
Washington, DC is home for me.
Washington is still home for me, though since starting this I've also lived in Alabama and Colorado, then returned here last year.
I'm dating a wonderful guy named River (who, sadly, is in Dallas for a month)
Well, River made it back from Dallas. But three months after starting this, we broke up. We remain very good friends, though, and he works less than a mile from me now, so we meet up for lunch pretty often. He's still very cute and very sweet. Soon after that breakup - 10 days, actually - was when Adrian and I met.
I love to travel.
No change there. Except now I've gone beyond Europe, which was my main destination at the time, and have had 3 trips to Southeast Asia and a few to Canada, as well as one trip to Russia. I've also been to a couple wars. Those were not so fun.
I'm an eclectic Wiccan, practicing as a Solitare rather than part of a coven.
Though I still believe in the philosophies of Wicca, I haven't been actively practicing for years. For me, it was always more of a philosophy than a religion, and it remains a factor that shapes my actions and my life. I think, at the time, I was looking for some more structure in my life, and Wicca provided it. Also, I look good in black.
As I re-read the first month's entries today I'm struck by how many of the people I mentioned still play a key role in my life. The bloggers I mention in there I have now mostly met, and one of them has become a very dear friend (hi, Scooter!). The friends in Dc are, for the most part, still here, and they are all still friends.
In the intervening years I have made a number of new friends all over the world...at the time, I had a philosophy that I wouldn't bother getting to know people online if I didn't think I would meet them someday. That philosophy has been good because it kept me from going overboard with online-only friendships, it encouraged me to get to know really good people, and it led me to make the effort to meet these people, which has thoroughly enriched my life, something as true during the last month as it was all those years ago. Most of those folks linked over on the left are people I've gotten to know since starting this...my life is so much better for knowing them.
Back then I seemed to be a much happier, much more relaxed writer. Certainly a bit funnier. I think part of it is, I had more to write about. The nature of my job now doesn't lend itself to much detail in a blog like this, and I also fear that I'm doing the very thing I tried hard not to do: falling into a boring, predictable pattern in life rather than experiencing lots of new things. Of course, I say that, then think about the trip I just took, and realize that can't really be the case.
Naturally, I had more time to write in school...I'd be working mostly at home so it was no problem to jump onto my blog site and write an entry. Now, I get home from work after sitting in front of a compuer all day and it's hard to take the time away from other things to write.
And of course, I am not the same person I was then. There have been some improvements, I've learned to relax a little bit, but on the whole, I'm not as happy with the person I am today. The changes that have occurred in me come from a variety of sources, some in my control and some not so much, but regardless of the reason, I don't like myself as much now as I did back then. Thinking about today's anniversary has given me a chance to reflect on why that is and consider what I might do about it.
One of my reasons for starting this journal of my life was I thought it would be cool to go back and look at old entries every now and then. I was right; it is. I can see what I was thinking all those years ago and trace the fun currents in my life ever since. I can see how I thought things would go and know how they really did. I can reflect on decisions and look at their results, unpredictable at the time but all too well-known now. I like that guy from 7 years ago. I think you would have liked him, too.
So...
Happy Anniversary to Me
Happy Anniversary to Me
Happy Anniversary to Wiliam/Bill/BillinDC/Will/BluDragon/'Tater Tom/Wei Lian/Doctor Goodenbed
Happy Anniversary to Me
I hope you'll stick around for another 7 years. I know I plan to. Thanks for reading.
Considering I'd never kept a written journal for longer than 2 weeks, that's quite an accomplishment, if I do say so myself.
I still need to get my remaining archives posted here...the external hard drive where they're saved (the ones I managed to retain after the Diary-X crash) has gone bad, and I need to get a new drive and get the data off the old one if I can. I hope so...there may be a book in all this material. perhaps not a good one, but...
Here's where I was when this started, and where I am today:
OUR STORY THUS FAR
My name is William...Bill for short.
Now, of course, I go by Will. Except by those who have known me longer than 10 years and can't change. Or by those also named Wililam who want to avoid confusion.
I'm 34, a grad student pursuing my PhD.
Now I'm 41, have finished my PhD, and taught at a university in the meantime.
Washington, DC is home for me.
Washington is still home for me, though since starting this I've also lived in Alabama and Colorado, then returned here last year.
I'm dating a wonderful guy named River (who, sadly, is in Dallas for a month)
Well, River made it back from Dallas. But three months after starting this, we broke up. We remain very good friends, though, and he works less than a mile from me now, so we meet up for lunch pretty often. He's still very cute and very sweet. Soon after that breakup - 10 days, actually - was when Adrian and I met.
I love to travel.
No change there. Except now I've gone beyond Europe, which was my main destination at the time, and have had 3 trips to Southeast Asia and a few to Canada, as well as one trip to Russia. I've also been to a couple wars. Those were not so fun.
I'm an eclectic Wiccan, practicing as a Solitare rather than part of a coven.
Though I still believe in the philosophies of Wicca, I haven't been actively practicing for years. For me, it was always more of a philosophy than a religion, and it remains a factor that shapes my actions and my life. I think, at the time, I was looking for some more structure in my life, and Wicca provided it. Also, I look good in black.
As I re-read the first month's entries today I'm struck by how many of the people I mentioned still play a key role in my life. The bloggers I mention in there I have now mostly met, and one of them has become a very dear friend (hi, Scooter!). The friends in Dc are, for the most part, still here, and they are all still friends.
In the intervening years I have made a number of new friends all over the world...at the time, I had a philosophy that I wouldn't bother getting to know people online if I didn't think I would meet them someday. That philosophy has been good because it kept me from going overboard with online-only friendships, it encouraged me to get to know really good people, and it led me to make the effort to meet these people, which has thoroughly enriched my life, something as true during the last month as it was all those years ago. Most of those folks linked over on the left are people I've gotten to know since starting this...my life is so much better for knowing them.
Back then I seemed to be a much happier, much more relaxed writer. Certainly a bit funnier. I think part of it is, I had more to write about. The nature of my job now doesn't lend itself to much detail in a blog like this, and I also fear that I'm doing the very thing I tried hard not to do: falling into a boring, predictable pattern in life rather than experiencing lots of new things. Of course, I say that, then think about the trip I just took, and realize that can't really be the case.
Naturally, I had more time to write in school...I'd be working mostly at home so it was no problem to jump onto my blog site and write an entry. Now, I get home from work after sitting in front of a compuer all day and it's hard to take the time away from other things to write.
And of course, I am not the same person I was then. There have been some improvements, I've learned to relax a little bit, but on the whole, I'm not as happy with the person I am today. The changes that have occurred in me come from a variety of sources, some in my control and some not so much, but regardless of the reason, I don't like myself as much now as I did back then. Thinking about today's anniversary has given me a chance to reflect on why that is and consider what I might do about it.
One of my reasons for starting this journal of my life was I thought it would be cool to go back and look at old entries every now and then. I was right; it is. I can see what I was thinking all those years ago and trace the fun currents in my life ever since. I can see how I thought things would go and know how they really did. I can reflect on decisions and look at their results, unpredictable at the time but all too well-known now. I like that guy from 7 years ago. I think you would have liked him, too.
So...
Happy Anniversary to Me
Happy Anniversary to Me
Happy Anniversary to Wiliam/Bill/BillinDC/Will/BluDragon/'Tater Tom/Wei Lian/Doctor Goodenbed
Happy Anniversary to Me
I hope you'll stick around for another 7 years. I know I plan to. Thanks for reading.
Labels: Blogging, Friends, Life, Relationships, Wandering Mind, Website
Friday, September 28, 2007
Missing...What?
At lunch with Ethan today I was telling him about a couple in KL that gets to see each other this weekend (one lives in Singapore at the moment), and then talking about one of the guys there, then remarking that "a week ago right now I was dancing in a straight bar in Hong Kong." He said, "wow, you really miss it."
Yeah. Yeah I do.
Not sure exactly what it is I miss. Of course, I love meeting new people, so that made the whole trip very exciting. And being away from work is always nice, as is visiting a new place. So yeah, that might explain part of it. But not all.
Part of it, I think, was seeing the close bond between my KL friends. The gay bloggers were just great, just a fantastic bunch of guys who care about each other very, very much. I used to have my own little tribe like that, when I lived here for grad school, but ever since returning to DC last year it's never reformed. Hell, one of the guys is even straight now (I knew I shouldn't have left). I miss that feeling, that closeness, that sense of knowing there are always people there. I don't blame my friends here, the truth is, ever since things went bad for Adrian and I, I kind of distanced myself from those friends, for a variety of reasons. The whole situation was just very disruptive to friendships that involved both of us. And I've made some new friends here, but I have trouble getting as close to them as I'd like, because the uncertainty in my life makes me hesitant, or makes me feel like damaged goods. In KL, even though I was an outsider, these guys made me feel like one of them, and I really, really needed that. It wasn't just the bloggers, of course...there were some individuals there, one in particular, who made me feel like i was an important part of their lives and they were an important part of mine, and that means so much to me.
Then there was the romance. The couples I saw there were so sweet with each other, and they reminded me of what's broken in my life. Adrian and I went from long-term couple, to broken up, to a state of limbo where we're supposedly trying to fix things...but we've been in that limbo for a year. I'm realizing that, as i ask him to do the minimum to bring us back together, what i really want is the love and romance that I saw expressed between these guys. It wasn't always really obvious, sometimes it was expressed in subtle ways, but it was always very honest. And I want that in my life again.
So I think maybe it's not so much that I miss these exotic places with these wonderful people. Maybe it's that I'm missing a life that I want to have, and don't. I need to get it back. And I don't know how. Or if I can.
Yeah. Yeah I do.
Not sure exactly what it is I miss. Of course, I love meeting new people, so that made the whole trip very exciting. And being away from work is always nice, as is visiting a new place. So yeah, that might explain part of it. But not all.
Part of it, I think, was seeing the close bond between my KL friends. The gay bloggers were just great, just a fantastic bunch of guys who care about each other very, very much. I used to have my own little tribe like that, when I lived here for grad school, but ever since returning to DC last year it's never reformed. Hell, one of the guys is even straight now (I knew I shouldn't have left). I miss that feeling, that closeness, that sense of knowing there are always people there. I don't blame my friends here, the truth is, ever since things went bad for Adrian and I, I kind of distanced myself from those friends, for a variety of reasons. The whole situation was just very disruptive to friendships that involved both of us. And I've made some new friends here, but I have trouble getting as close to them as I'd like, because the uncertainty in my life makes me hesitant, or makes me feel like damaged goods. In KL, even though I was an outsider, these guys made me feel like one of them, and I really, really needed that. It wasn't just the bloggers, of course...there were some individuals there, one in particular, who made me feel like i was an important part of their lives and they were an important part of mine, and that means so much to me.
Then there was the romance. The couples I saw there were so sweet with each other, and they reminded me of what's broken in my life. Adrian and I went from long-term couple, to broken up, to a state of limbo where we're supposedly trying to fix things...but we've been in that limbo for a year. I'm realizing that, as i ask him to do the minimum to bring us back together, what i really want is the love and romance that I saw expressed between these guys. It wasn't always really obvious, sometimes it was expressed in subtle ways, but it was always very honest. And I want that in my life again.
So I think maybe it's not so much that I miss these exotic places with these wonderful people. Maybe it's that I'm missing a life that I want to have, and don't. I need to get it back. And I don't know how. Or if I can.
Labels: Friends, Relationships, Travel
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Quick Note on Dating
(I started writing this last week in Hong Kong and saved it as a draft, unsure what to do with it. I decided it's worth posting, after a little editing.)
I saw something in KL I really liked seeing: KL boys dating KL boys. Why is that memorable? Because in the US you see that very rarely...very often you see Asians and white guys together, but not as many Asians dating Asians (I find the term "sticky rice" offensive, by the way, as I do "rice queen" and "potato queen" -- comments?). I have talked with friends at home as well as friends on this journey, and they have narrowed the Asian + white thing down to three main reasons:
- simple personal preference, much like preferring blonds or tall guys
- a sense that Westerners are "better"
- money
The last 2 bother me...I think I don't like the idea that I might be lumped in with other white guys who might be taking advantage of those 2 reasons. Any kind of "inferiority complex" bothers me, as does "prostituting" oneself. Self respect, in my humble opinion, is worth more than any money.
(I'd like to think there's a fourth reason: simply being attracted to a guy without regard to his ethnicity or appearance. Is that more common than I think?)
The reason this occurs to me now is, Friday night was spent with an online friend in HK and his white British boyfriend. The boyfriend was kind of a jerk, and definitely didn't appreciate my friend. I thought to myself, "You have 2 people who want to hang out with you this evening: one who arranged his business travel so he could meet up with you, and one who has spent more time on his mobile talking to people who aren't here than he has talking to you." Which would you prefer? I mean, you have to decide for yourself how you deserve to be treated...I think my friend deserves to be treated better, and hopefully he will learn to think that too.
The other reason this occurs to me, of course, is that the couples I met in KL just look so damned cute together.
I should mention that Saturday night was spent with the same friend, without the bf this time, and he is so much cooler in a less stressful situation. He really deserves someone great, and I hope he finds him after jettisoning Mr Drunky Drunk.
Speaking of that Saturday night, I forgot to mention one incident at Propaganda. There were only a few people on the dance floor by 1am, but I was one of them, and a few cute lesbians were out there too. One of them, short with short hair, smiled and came to dance with me. We were having fun, and I leaned in and said, "I'm Will, what's your name?" She looked a little surprised (what, she expected me to speak Chinese maybe?) and ran off to her friends. She came back a couple minutes later, started dancing, leaned in and said:
"I'm a girl!"
"Um, yeah," I said, "I know that."
"Oh, she said, "I thought you thought I was a gay!!"
"No, I just wanted to know who I'm dancing with" was my reply.
She seemed happy with that. Her name was Florence, by the way.
Oh, and I had one other Malaysian adventure I forgot to mention: earlier this year I was watching some porn from Thailand and this one guy had a very cool necklace. Yeah, he was hot, so was his partner, blah blah blah, but I really liked that necklace. I looked for it in cities around the US but never found it. Anyway, the day after arriving in KL I was in Low Yat Plaza and, walking past a jewelry stand, I saw it. It isn't actually a necklace, but is instead a chain that clips to two belt loops (it's a thick chain with a small handcuff on each end that clips together)...but it looked great on the guy in the porno (he didn't have any belt loops to clip it to, because he didn't have any pants) so I'm sure if I wear it as a necklace, I too will look like a hot naked Thai guy.
That isn't really an adventure, I guess, but I just like talking about Thai porn. And now I will show up in Google when people look for "Thai porn" and they will be very, very disappointed.
I saw something in KL I really liked seeing: KL boys dating KL boys. Why is that memorable? Because in the US you see that very rarely...very often you see Asians and white guys together, but not as many Asians dating Asians (I find the term "sticky rice" offensive, by the way, as I do "rice queen" and "potato queen" -- comments?). I have talked with friends at home as well as friends on this journey, and they have narrowed the Asian + white thing down to three main reasons:
- simple personal preference, much like preferring blonds or tall guys
- a sense that Westerners are "better"
- money
The last 2 bother me...I think I don't like the idea that I might be lumped in with other white guys who might be taking advantage of those 2 reasons. Any kind of "inferiority complex" bothers me, as does "prostituting" oneself. Self respect, in my humble opinion, is worth more than any money.
(I'd like to think there's a fourth reason: simply being attracted to a guy without regard to his ethnicity or appearance. Is that more common than I think?)
The reason this occurs to me now is, Friday night was spent with an online friend in HK and his white British boyfriend. The boyfriend was kind of a jerk, and definitely didn't appreciate my friend. I thought to myself, "You have 2 people who want to hang out with you this evening: one who arranged his business travel so he could meet up with you, and one who has spent more time on his mobile talking to people who aren't here than he has talking to you." Which would you prefer? I mean, you have to decide for yourself how you deserve to be treated...I think my friend deserves to be treated better, and hopefully he will learn to think that too.
The other reason this occurs to me, of course, is that the couples I met in KL just look so damned cute together.
I should mention that Saturday night was spent with the same friend, without the bf this time, and he is so much cooler in a less stressful situation. He really deserves someone great, and I hope he finds him after jettisoning Mr Drunky Drunk.
Speaking of that Saturday night, I forgot to mention one incident at Propaganda. There were only a few people on the dance floor by 1am, but I was one of them, and a few cute lesbians were out there too. One of them, short with short hair, smiled and came to dance with me. We were having fun, and I leaned in and said, "I'm Will, what's your name?" She looked a little surprised (what, she expected me to speak Chinese maybe?) and ran off to her friends. She came back a couple minutes later, started dancing, leaned in and said:
"I'm a girl!"
"Um, yeah," I said, "I know that."
"Oh, she said, "I thought you thought I was a gay!!"
"No, I just wanted to know who I'm dancing with" was my reply.
She seemed happy with that. Her name was Florence, by the way.
Oh, and I had one other Malaysian adventure I forgot to mention: earlier this year I was watching some porn from Thailand and this one guy had a very cool necklace. Yeah, he was hot, so was his partner, blah blah blah, but I really liked that necklace. I looked for it in cities around the US but never found it. Anyway, the day after arriving in KL I was in Low Yat Plaza and, walking past a jewelry stand, I saw it. It isn't actually a necklace, but is instead a chain that clips to two belt loops (it's a thick chain with a small handcuff on each end that clips together)...but it looked great on the guy in the porno (he didn't have any belt loops to clip it to, because he didn't have any pants) so I'm sure if I wear it as a necklace, I too will look like a hot naked Thai guy.
That isn't really an adventure, I guess, but I just like talking about Thai porn. And now I will show up in Google when people look for "Thai porn" and they will be very, very disappointed.
Labels: Friends, Relationships, Thai Porn, Travel
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Where to Next?
It was six months ago tonight that Adrian came home and broke up with me. Then, near the end of November, he said he wanted to work on things and try to fix whatever went wrong. Lots of folks ask me how things are going and the reality is it's tough to tell. I'm not really clear on what all has changed. We talked tonight and reaffirmed that we want to fix this, but it's still unclear where all this is going to end up. Being in limbo continues to suck.
Labels: Relationships
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Fog and Light
Thanksgiving was pretty low-key for me. Heading down to my folks' place is generally pretty relaxed, as not much is happening there, unless the house is full of visitors or someone's in the hospital or something. This time around not much was happening, I even fell asleep in front of a football game Thursday afternoon (before eating, so I can't blame it on the turkey -- maybe I should be getting more sleep).
These little weekend getaways and other trips have been good for me since they've given me a chance to step away and think about the fallout of the breakup, what's happened, what might hapen, where I go from here, etc. But this time, I returned more confused than ever...on the 4-hour drive back I felt a return of that "I've got to cry" feeling, something I felt almost constantly for the first two months (but never really broke down, oddly enough) and which had started to go away in the last month as I started getting used to things.
Something that I've realized is that in the fog of confusion surrounding all of this, bright spots have been emerging in October and November. Visiting Raberd in Bangkok, finally meeting Allan in Singapore after 3 years of online correspondance, visiting UVA with Justin, running around New York with Ben, talking with Adrian, spending time with old friends and new ones here in DC...all of these have brightened me up. But these bright spots have shone a light onto new paths, new options, new roads leading me out of the fog, and they go in different directions. They deal with things like my relationship to others, where I'm going to live, what my career options are...things that could intersect but that often don't, at least in this case. I'm reaching out to all these paths, a foot on one, my arms crossed as my hands are on two different ones, my other foot somehow stuck in my ear...my mental image is of a game of Twister in the dark and I'm the only player.
I think I realized on this trip that I need to say "whoa," slow down, and collect myself. Rather than trying to go down so many paths -- for which I see the beginning but not so much the end -- perhaps for now I just need to keep walking on the path I set for myself a couple months ago. Whether or not it's the best one, the right one, I don't know, but I do now that right now, in my confused and rambling state of mind, I'm not in a position to make good decisions about my future, especially any major, life-altering decisions.
I tend to be excitable, and looking for resolution. But I don't need to be resolving things so quickly this time.
These little weekend getaways and other trips have been good for me since they've given me a chance to step away and think about the fallout of the breakup, what's happened, what might hapen, where I go from here, etc. But this time, I returned more confused than ever...on the 4-hour drive back I felt a return of that "I've got to cry" feeling, something I felt almost constantly for the first two months (but never really broke down, oddly enough) and which had started to go away in the last month as I started getting used to things.
Something that I've realized is that in the fog of confusion surrounding all of this, bright spots have been emerging in October and November. Visiting Raberd in Bangkok, finally meeting Allan in Singapore after 3 years of online correspondance, visiting UVA with Justin, running around New York with Ben, talking with Adrian, spending time with old friends and new ones here in DC...all of these have brightened me up. But these bright spots have shone a light onto new paths, new options, new roads leading me out of the fog, and they go in different directions. They deal with things like my relationship to others, where I'm going to live, what my career options are...things that could intersect but that often don't, at least in this case. I'm reaching out to all these paths, a foot on one, my arms crossed as my hands are on two different ones, my other foot somehow stuck in my ear...my mental image is of a game of Twister in the dark and I'm the only player.
I think I realized on this trip that I need to say "whoa," slow down, and collect myself. Rather than trying to go down so many paths -- for which I see the beginning but not so much the end -- perhaps for now I just need to keep walking on the path I set for myself a couple months ago. Whether or not it's the best one, the right one, I don't know, but I do now that right now, in my confused and rambling state of mind, I'm not in a position to make good decisions about my future, especially any major, life-altering decisions.
I tend to be excitable, and looking for resolution. But I don't need to be resolving things so quickly this time.
Labels: Relationships
