Adrian's

Page!!!

Jon Stewart: Every now and then, someone really special comes along in this world.  Someone with the heart of Mother Teresa, the intellect of Einstein, the good looks of a Brad Pitt/Josh Hartnett love child, and the fashion sense of Calvin Klein.  We haven't found that person yet, but until we do, we have...Adrian!!! <MASSIVE APPLAUSE> Adrian: Thanks, Jon, it's a pleasure to be here. JS: Of course it is.  "The Daily Show" is cool.  We often have Anne Hathaway as a guest.  Do you think she'd go out with me?  No, of course she wouldn't.  Stupid question.  Where was I?  Is my hair on straight? A: Relax, Jon.  Take a deep breath.  Sip some of that vodka you keep under your desk. JS: I'm fine, I just get really nervous in front of a TV camera.  But don't tell anyone, it'll ruin my career.  Hey, is this mike on?  A: It's a good thing we're not broadcasting live.

JS:  It sure is, Adrian.  It sure is.  Now, as you know, all of America, most of Canada, and small parts of Europe are really curious about you.  Mind if I ask you a few questions?

A:  Well, that IS why I'm here.

JS:  Great!  Let's start with the basic stats.  You'll turn 29 on September 1st, you're about 5 feet, 9 inches tall, weigh around 115 pounds, and you have a 25-inch waist, yes?

A: That's right.  So I often have to buy my clothes, like jeans and such, in the women's department, because they don't make men's clothes small enough for me.

JS:  I see.  And in women's sizes, you'd be...

A:  ...a zero.

JS:  Right.  So, what you're saying is, women hate you, and they have a reason to.

A:  Hey, it's not like I'm stealing their husbands or boyfriends away from them.  Usually.

JS:  Uh huh.  So, how about your other measurement?

A:  Oh, that would be 8.

JS:  8?

A: Yep.

JS:  Wow...that's pretty...I mean...8?????

A:  Yep, 8, sometimes 8 1/2 or even 9.

JS:  Now, is that hard or soft?

A:  "Hard or soft?"  You mean, hard or soft shoes?  We ARE talking about shoe size, right?

JS:  Huh?  Oh, yeah, shoe size, yeah, that's it.  Um, shoe size.  So, any hobbies?

A:  Well, I love to travel and check out new places.  Will and I really enjoy going to New York, and we went to London for Thanksgiving one year.  We've also visited New Orleans, Paris, London, Thailand, Montreal, San Francisco, and many other places, and we spent a few days at the 2002 Olympics.  I also really enjoy drawing...I've got a few characters I like to draw, and I have a few sketches I'm very proud of.  Music is pretty important to me; I play piano and sing.  And I like to play tennis, though Will and I didn't have much time to get back into that last summer.  

JS:  And you have a pretty big family, right?

A:  That's right, Jon.  My parents had 9 kids.

JS:  Nine?  Hey, you guys could play baseball.

A:  Well, we beat the Chicago Cubs once.  But then, everyone does.  Of course, we could probably enter a team in the Gay Games, since three of us are gay.

JS:  Three?  What, did your mom put something different in your formula?

A:  I don't know. The last three kids -- me, my younger brother, and my older sister -- are all gay.  I guess my parents ran out of heterosexual genes by the time they got to us.

JS: Now, you weren't actually born in the US, right?

A: That's right, Jon, I'm originally from Laos
 

JS: Louse?  Like the singular form of "lice?" A: No, LAOS!  You know, the country? JS:  Ummmmmm.... A: In Southeast Asia? JS:  Errrrrrrrrr... A: ...a small, landlocked country, surrounded by Vietnam, China, Burma, Cambodia, and Thailand? JS: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh.  Okay, yeah.

A:  Now, is that "oh, I know what he means now," or "oh, I am so clueless, I wish we could just move on?"

JS:  Um, the second one.

A:  Thought so.

JS:  And since it's MY show, we WILL move on.  So, why did your parents decide to leave Laos?

A: Well, they say it's because they had already been out to all the clubs there and they wanted something new.  But I'm guessing the whole "Communist dictator" thing had something to do with it, too.

JS:  Uh huh.  And so, when you were three years old, your family swam across the Mekong River from Laos and went to a refugee camp in Thailand for three years before joining other family members in the US.  What was the refugee camp like?

A: I can't tell you.

JS:  What, you mean if you told me you'd have to kill me?

A:  No, I just can't tell you.

JS:  Awww, c'mon, I'm America's sweetheart, you can tell me anything.

A:  No, I mean I can't tell you because I don't remember.  I really don't remember anything before I was 7 years old and living in California.  I think my first memory is of my mom dropping my brother and I off for our first day of school.  We didn't like it, so we walked home.  And then, a year after getting to California, we moved to Washington DC, and I lived there until Will dragged me off to Alabama, and then to Colorado.
 

JS:  So then, after high school, you went to the University of Virginia.  What did you major in? A:  I was a double-major, Psychology and Biology. JS:  Uh huh, and so now, you're a... A:  ...hairstylist. JS:  You know, in a strange way, that seems like a perfect use of both psychology and biology.  How did you decide to do that? A: I've always wanted a career where I'm working directly with people.  For a long time I planned on becoming a doctor and even got accepted to Johns Hopkins Medical School.  But I'd like to own my own business someday, and I've always enjoyed doing hair for my sisters, so styling was always a consideration.  I was dating a hairstylist during my last semester at college, and through him I met some people who were getting ready to open their own salon, and all that helped me realize that being a stylist was what I wanted to do.

JS: Thanks Adrian.  We've got to take a break, but when we come back, Stephen Colbert examines why the hosts of "The Man Show" are so insecure about their masculinity.  The answer: their incredibly small penises.  But hey, let's thank Adrian for being here!!!

<EVEN MORE MASSIVE APPLAUSE.  THREE MEN AND TWO WOMEN TRY TO STORM THE STAGE.  A RIOT BREAKS OUT.  HILARITY ENSUES.  ADRIAN'S SHIRT IS RIPPED FROM HIS BODY.  CUT TO COMMERCIAL.>