Saturday, August 02, 2008
You Want to Put That Where?
Earlier this week I had to get a physical exam. The physician's assistant (I'm not cool enough to get a real doctor) looked at the basics: blood pressure (107/56), sitting pulse (46 beats per minute), my lab results, reflexes, and so on. Then it was time for more "hands on" stuff.
Did I mention this was a woman examining me? A really good looking woman?
Of course, that doesn't do anything for me, but she's looking at me as a regular straight guy, not knowing all my hidden details, and so she's treating me like a nervous straight guy might need to be treated when being felt up by a hot female medical professional, making sure I'm not bothered by anything. First she does the hernia and testicular cancer check ("turn your head and cough") and everything is cool. Then comes the "well, you're over 40, so we really should do a prostate exam" part, what I like to call "the fickle finger of fate."
Yes, she's going to finger me.
This is totally nonsexual, of course, so I don't give it a second thought when she tells me to lean forward on the table on my elbows and just relax. She figures I'm some straight guy who's never been touched "up there." She has no idea who she has in her exam room.
"OK," she says, "you're going to feel a cold glop of something first, just relax." I'm thinking "she's using KY instead of Wet? Hmmm, old school." Then she says, "OK, just relax, I have small fingers." And very quickly, she's in and she's out. I hear her stripping off the glove and it was all I could do to keep from saying "oh, have you already been in there? I didn't feel a thing."
I swear, if she only knew.
I should add that the exam was normal, which was good to hear, as a friend had to deal with prostate cancer and that's no fun. Even though my lab results were normal, she tells me that 25% of prostate cancers don't show up in blood tests. Scary. (I am making this public service announcement about prostate cancer because I think everyone should be aware of it as they get older, and also in the hopes that this will keep my physician friends from giving me crap about not being "out" to her. Yes, I know I should be, but there are reasons not to.)
By the way, later that evening I went out and ran 15 miles/25km as part of my marathon training. Despite having fallen behind during my Asia trip I'm not getting caught up to where I should be. And yay for that.
Did I mention this was a woman examining me? A really good looking woman?
Of course, that doesn't do anything for me, but she's looking at me as a regular straight guy, not knowing all my hidden details, and so she's treating me like a nervous straight guy might need to be treated when being felt up by a hot female medical professional, making sure I'm not bothered by anything. First she does the hernia and testicular cancer check ("turn your head and cough") and everything is cool. Then comes the "well, you're over 40, so we really should do a prostate exam" part, what I like to call "the fickle finger of fate."
Yes, she's going to finger me.
This is totally nonsexual, of course, so I don't give it a second thought when she tells me to lean forward on the table on my elbows and just relax. She figures I'm some straight guy who's never been touched "up there." She has no idea who she has in her exam room.
"OK," she says, "you're going to feel a cold glop of something first, just relax." I'm thinking "she's using KY instead of Wet? Hmmm, old school." Then she says, "OK, just relax, I have small fingers." And very quickly, she's in and she's out. I hear her stripping off the glove and it was all I could do to keep from saying "oh, have you already been in there? I didn't feel a thing."
I swear, if she only knew.
I should add that the exam was normal, which was good to hear, as a friend had to deal with prostate cancer and that's no fun. Even though my lab results were normal, she tells me that 25% of prostate cancers don't show up in blood tests. Scary. (I am making this public service announcement about prostate cancer because I think everyone should be aware of it as they get older, and also in the hopes that this will keep my physician friends from giving me crap about not being "out" to her. Yes, I know I should be, but there are reasons not to.)
By the way, later that evening I went out and ran 15 miles/25km as part of my marathon training. Despite having fallen behind during my Asia trip I'm not getting caught up to where I should be. And yay for that.
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"oh, have you already been in there? I didn't feel a thing."
can I say it's old age related reduced anal tone or what? hehehehe
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can I say it's old age related reduced anal tone or what? hehehehe
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