Friday, September 28, 2007
Missing...What?
At lunch with Ethan today I was telling him about a couple in KL that gets to see each other this weekend (one lives in Singapore at the moment), and then talking about one of the guys there, then remarking that "a week ago right now I was dancing in a straight bar in Hong Kong." He said, "wow, you really miss it."
Yeah. Yeah I do.
Not sure exactly what it is I miss. Of course, I love meeting new people, so that made the whole trip very exciting. And being away from work is always nice, as is visiting a new place. So yeah, that might explain part of it. But not all.
Part of it, I think, was seeing the close bond between my KL friends. The gay bloggers were just great, just a fantastic bunch of guys who care about each other very, very much. I used to have my own little tribe like that, when I lived here for grad school, but ever since returning to DC last year it's never reformed. Hell, one of the guys is even straight now (I knew I shouldn't have left). I miss that feeling, that closeness, that sense of knowing there are always people there. I don't blame my friends here, the truth is, ever since things went bad for Adrian and I, I kind of distanced myself from those friends, for a variety of reasons. The whole situation was just very disruptive to friendships that involved both of us. And I've made some new friends here, but I have trouble getting as close to them as I'd like, because the uncertainty in my life makes me hesitant, or makes me feel like damaged goods. In KL, even though I was an outsider, these guys made me feel like one of them, and I really, really needed that. It wasn't just the bloggers, of course...there were some individuals there, one in particular, who made me feel like i was an important part of their lives and they were an important part of mine, and that means so much to me.
Then there was the romance. The couples I saw there were so sweet with each other, and they reminded me of what's broken in my life. Adrian and I went from long-term couple, to broken up, to a state of limbo where we're supposedly trying to fix things...but we've been in that limbo for a year. I'm realizing that, as i ask him to do the minimum to bring us back together, what i really want is the love and romance that I saw expressed between these guys. It wasn't always really obvious, sometimes it was expressed in subtle ways, but it was always very honest. And I want that in my life again.
So I think maybe it's not so much that I miss these exotic places with these wonderful people. Maybe it's that I'm missing a life that I want to have, and don't. I need to get it back. And I don't know how. Or if I can.
Yeah. Yeah I do.
Not sure exactly what it is I miss. Of course, I love meeting new people, so that made the whole trip very exciting. And being away from work is always nice, as is visiting a new place. So yeah, that might explain part of it. But not all.
Part of it, I think, was seeing the close bond between my KL friends. The gay bloggers were just great, just a fantastic bunch of guys who care about each other very, very much. I used to have my own little tribe like that, when I lived here for grad school, but ever since returning to DC last year it's never reformed. Hell, one of the guys is even straight now (I knew I shouldn't have left). I miss that feeling, that closeness, that sense of knowing there are always people there. I don't blame my friends here, the truth is, ever since things went bad for Adrian and I, I kind of distanced myself from those friends, for a variety of reasons. The whole situation was just very disruptive to friendships that involved both of us. And I've made some new friends here, but I have trouble getting as close to them as I'd like, because the uncertainty in my life makes me hesitant, or makes me feel like damaged goods. In KL, even though I was an outsider, these guys made me feel like one of them, and I really, really needed that. It wasn't just the bloggers, of course...there were some individuals there, one in particular, who made me feel like i was an important part of their lives and they were an important part of mine, and that means so much to me.
Then there was the romance. The couples I saw there were so sweet with each other, and they reminded me of what's broken in my life. Adrian and I went from long-term couple, to broken up, to a state of limbo where we're supposedly trying to fix things...but we've been in that limbo for a year. I'm realizing that, as i ask him to do the minimum to bring us back together, what i really want is the love and romance that I saw expressed between these guys. It wasn't always really obvious, sometimes it was expressed in subtle ways, but it was always very honest. And I want that in my life again.
So I think maybe it's not so much that I miss these exotic places with these wonderful people. Maybe it's that I'm missing a life that I want to have, and don't. I need to get it back. And I don't know how. Or if I can.
Labels: Friends, Relationships, Travel
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Yeah, the bloggers here really have a close-knitted relationship - you can tell just how close we are from the way we treat each other: almost like brothers. :D
It's great to have such grand friends, don't you think? :)
It's great to have such grand friends, don't you think? :)
Well, down here we're all young lovers who've just started out. We haven't gone through the humps and bumps yet. It remains to be seen how we fare, but i think we'll be okay somehow.
OMG... I was kinda in the middle of an assignment and dumbass Ban made me read this post.
Now... Now... I want to cry...
*sob sob
*hugs
Live for the day and live a life without regrets. That's my motto. :)
*huggies~~~
Now... Now... I want to cry...
*sob sob
*hugs
Live for the day and live a life without regrets. That's my motto. :)
*huggies~~~
Will, this is a very heartfelt and sincere post.
First, I'd like to say that I'm sorry to hear that things between you and Adrian are a bit rocky right now. I entirely understand how it may be difficult to handle the friendships that you and Adrian shared (I've been there before). However, the passage of time heals all things, and with that, you can only hope for the best. True, things may be in limbo right now, but in the end, everything will work itself out.
In the meantime, be thankful for what you do have: a career that allows you to travel to far-flung destinations, an international support network of close friends who care about you, and knowing what it means to be loved. Don't worry; you'll experience the latter soon enough.
Never say never.
First, I'd like to say that I'm sorry to hear that things between you and Adrian are a bit rocky right now. I entirely understand how it may be difficult to handle the friendships that you and Adrian shared (I've been there before). However, the passage of time heals all things, and with that, you can only hope for the best. True, things may be in limbo right now, but in the end, everything will work itself out.
In the meantime, be thankful for what you do have: a career that allows you to travel to far-flung destinations, an international support network of close friends who care about you, and knowing what it means to be loved. Don't worry; you'll experience the latter soon enough.
Never say never.
Shucks. Hugs.
You're good at making friends everywhere - we're sure you'll bring people together as a group of friends.
You're good at making friends everywhere - we're sure you'll bring people together as a group of friends.
sam: it IS great...one nice thing is that I have often seen people drift away when they meet a boyfriend, but if anything, that has actually brought you guys closer (probably because of how you all met your bf in the first place). Oh, and thx for the hugs, I have a feeling i freaked you guys out when i started hugging goodbye that night :P
ban: you guys have dealt with social pressure, ethnic pressure, family pressure, living arrangements...all on top of the regular job/school committments and other normal bumps in the road. I think you guys have done great, and frankly, you are in inspiration to me in some ways
qr: as a former professor I would hate to to be the cause of you falling behind on your assignment. so get back to work before I spank you (which would leave a certain other blogger unhappy with me!). And thank you very much for the good thoughts.
aryaduta: i am fortunate in many ways, you're right, and remembering that is what has sustained me the last year. I'm a firm believer that if you don't like your situation, you should change what you can about your situation, and right now I am figuring out the best way to do that. Also, you should e-mail me, since we live 20 minutes apart and you can obviously see how much i like knowing other bloggers. :P
janvier: thanks for the hugs...yours feel good, even when you've had a lot of beer. :P I think maybe I need to get back to focusing on friends again and quit simply being upset about it. Of course, it's easy to come together with people when they are as nice as you, sweetie.
ban: you guys have dealt with social pressure, ethnic pressure, family pressure, living arrangements...all on top of the regular job/school committments and other normal bumps in the road. I think you guys have done great, and frankly, you are in inspiration to me in some ways
qr: as a former professor I would hate to to be the cause of you falling behind on your assignment. so get back to work before I spank you (which would leave a certain other blogger unhappy with me!). And thank you very much for the good thoughts.
aryaduta: i am fortunate in many ways, you're right, and remembering that is what has sustained me the last year. I'm a firm believer that if you don't like your situation, you should change what you can about your situation, and right now I am figuring out the best way to do that. Also, you should e-mail me, since we live 20 minutes apart and you can obviously see how much i like knowing other bloggers. :P
janvier: thanks for the hugs...yours feel good, even when you've had a lot of beer. :P I think maybe I need to get back to focusing on friends again and quit simply being upset about it. Of course, it's easy to come together with people when they are as nice as you, sweetie.
Nah, we're all quite accustomed to hugging already. *looks at the other guys* :P Not that we do it every time we meet each other though - but yeah, it is what it is: a warm reassuring hug. :)
No worries! I'll be sure to e-mail you quite soon. Some unexpected things popped up this weekend, but you can count on an e-mail coming from me! :-)
Hey, I disappeared for a while and come to my surprised that you were out of the country all this time till recently. Ah hell, if ppl r giving you hugs, might as well join in. *hugs*. there. Oh, and jesse left you a message but he's not used to calling you will, bill. -ivan
Aww.. so sweet of you. *hugs*
Em, hope you don't mind I didn't gave you a hug that night as I'm soaked in sweat. Wouldn't want you to smell that :p
Em, hope you don't mind I didn't gave you a hug that night as I'm soaked in sweat. Wouldn't want you to smell that :p
It's different here, i guess. Such a small group of bloggers that we have to stick to each other after all :)
Sticky rice. Muahaha.
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Sticky rice. Muahaha.
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