Sunday, November 26, 2006
Fog and Light
Thanksgiving was pretty low-key for me. Heading down to my folks' place is generally pretty relaxed, as not much is happening there, unless the house is full of visitors or someone's in the hospital or something. This time around not much was happening, I even fell asleep in front of a football game Thursday afternoon (before eating, so I can't blame it on the turkey -- maybe I should be getting more sleep).
These little weekend getaways and other trips have been good for me since they've given me a chance to step away and think about the fallout of the breakup, what's happened, what might hapen, where I go from here, etc. But this time, I returned more confused than ever...on the 4-hour drive back I felt a return of that "I've got to cry" feeling, something I felt almost constantly for the first two months (but never really broke down, oddly enough) and which had started to go away in the last month as I started getting used to things.
Something that I've realized is that in the fog of confusion surrounding all of this, bright spots have been emerging in October and November. Visiting Raberd in Bangkok, finally meeting Allan in Singapore after 3 years of online correspondance, visiting UVA with Justin, running around New York with Ben, talking with Adrian, spending time with old friends and new ones here in DC...all of these have brightened me up. But these bright spots have shone a light onto new paths, new options, new roads leading me out of the fog, and they go in different directions. They deal with things like my relationship to others, where I'm going to live, what my career options are...things that could intersect but that often don't, at least in this case. I'm reaching out to all these paths, a foot on one, my arms crossed as my hands are on two different ones, my other foot somehow stuck in my ear...my mental image is of a game of Twister in the dark and I'm the only player.
I think I realized on this trip that I need to say "whoa," slow down, and collect myself. Rather than trying to go down so many paths -- for which I see the beginning but not so much the end -- perhaps for now I just need to keep walking on the path I set for myself a couple months ago. Whether or not it's the best one, the right one, I don't know, but I do now that right now, in my confused and rambling state of mind, I'm not in a position to make good decisions about my future, especially any major, life-altering decisions.
I tend to be excitable, and looking for resolution. But I don't need to be resolving things so quickly this time.
These little weekend getaways and other trips have been good for me since they've given me a chance to step away and think about the fallout of the breakup, what's happened, what might hapen, where I go from here, etc. But this time, I returned more confused than ever...on the 4-hour drive back I felt a return of that "I've got to cry" feeling, something I felt almost constantly for the first two months (but never really broke down, oddly enough) and which had started to go away in the last month as I started getting used to things.
Something that I've realized is that in the fog of confusion surrounding all of this, bright spots have been emerging in October and November. Visiting Raberd in Bangkok, finally meeting Allan in Singapore after 3 years of online correspondance, visiting UVA with Justin, running around New York with Ben, talking with Adrian, spending time with old friends and new ones here in DC...all of these have brightened me up. But these bright spots have shone a light onto new paths, new options, new roads leading me out of the fog, and they go in different directions. They deal with things like my relationship to others, where I'm going to live, what my career options are...things that could intersect but that often don't, at least in this case. I'm reaching out to all these paths, a foot on one, my arms crossed as my hands are on two different ones, my other foot somehow stuck in my ear...my mental image is of a game of Twister in the dark and I'm the only player.
I think I realized on this trip that I need to say "whoa," slow down, and collect myself. Rather than trying to go down so many paths -- for which I see the beginning but not so much the end -- perhaps for now I just need to keep walking on the path I set for myself a couple months ago. Whether or not it's the best one, the right one, I don't know, but I do now that right now, in my confused and rambling state of mind, I'm not in a position to make good decisions about my future, especially any major, life-altering decisions.
I tend to be excitable, and looking for resolution. But I don't need to be resolving things so quickly this time.
Labels: Relationships
