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Columnist Erma Bombeck once wrote that any man who watches more than three football games in a single day should be declared legally dead. If that is the case, then I should definitely be in Intensive Care.

I got up around 11:30 this morning to watch the Tournament of Roses parade (River slept in for a while). The announcers on all three networks were inane, and apparently no one told them to shut up when marching bands are going by (a group spends 12 months raising tens of thousands of dollars to go to the parade, only to have some bimbo talking about her low-rated TV show which will no doubt be cancelled next week, thus drowning out the band as it passes by the cameras). So I would switch over to the bowl game on Fox. Then another game came on. And another. The remote control was my best friend as I switched between 3 games at once. I believe I saw potions of the Gator, Alamo, and Cotton Bowls, then most of the Citrus and Rose, and it is now halftime at the Fiesta Bowl. Tomorrow night is the Sugar Bowl. And Wednesday is the Orange Bowl, with the (alleged) national championship.

Virginia Tech was in the Gator Bowl. I hate Tech, with a passion that burns brighter than the core of a white dwarf star. Unfortunately, they won. Florida State plays in the Orange Bowl. My disgust for Florida State starts in my pinky toe and works its way up to the tips of my hair. Last year Virginia Tech and Florida State played each other in the national championship in the Sugar Bowl. The only good outcome would have been if the entire stadium had suddenly sunk into the ground. But that didn't happen. FSU won.

But anyway...

Last night was the quietest New Years Eve in a long time, and it was exactly what Billy needed (my big party night was Saturday). River, Michael, and Steven were here, we went out for dinner, then came back and watched Princess Monoke (which the guy at the video store called "Princess of Monaco"), then watched the ball drop in Times Square and smooched all around, then, when we were sufficiently liquored up, watched Road Trip, which was somewhat better than Dude, Where's My Car, which itself was somewhat better than watching paint dry, but not by much. Tracy was supposed to come over, but fell asleep and didn't wake up until 9, then was convinced by his roommate and others to go out to a club where he got profoundley drunk on Long Island Iced Teas, to the point that he doesn't remember who he was dancing with or if he was cute, though at some point after returning to the apartment he vaguely remembers whipped cream on his balls. Oh, and he got really sick, too.

I have now been to the gym 6 days in a row. Cardio every day, and alternating between working on upper body and lower body on the machines. My diet has changed quite a bit also. I'm not in bad shape by any means, but I have a little flab around my midsection that could stand to go away. Any doubts I had about my plans for self-improvement evaporated Saturday at Velvet Nation, when I realized that I wanted a hot body like the ones I was surrounded by.

Well, a decent body, anyway.

Physical self-improvement was not a New Years resoultion. 'cuz I break those. And this is something I really want to do.

Happy New Year, everyone. And just to keep things from getting boring, let's start a movement claiming that the new millenium starts on January 1, 2002!

Hmmmmmm

I didn't finish anything I expected to do today.

Other than getting the paper, I didn't leave my building until 9:30pm.

OK, I did go to the gym. But that's in my building.

I didn't pay my bills, or write the e-mails I meant to write.

Why?Because, even though I've had it for a while, today was my first chance to play with PhotoShop 6.0.

This is the first time I've had PhotoShop.

And it's fun.

Oh my, it's fun.

My web page is going to have a whole new look. Well, maybe not a new look, but definitely some new stuff.

I've already been working on upgrading the pix of all my friends. You really should go take a look.

And now I can tidy up those underwater pix of mine that River wanted to post on his art site.

I'd write more, but I want to go play.

Well, I felt like this was coming for a little while. I broke up with River tonight.

We've known each other for 5 months, and started using "the B-word" in late October. Over that time I've come to care for him a lot. Despite that, there are some things I look for in a relationship that just weren't there. I wanted to give them time to develop, but it just wasn't happening. As a result, I was becoming frustrated, and that's bad, because try as I might to keep that frustration in (which isn't healthy in the first place, I know), it comes out in sarcasm and sharp remarks that I regret as soon as I say them. And that's no good. He deserves better than that. So it's better to just deal with things in a straightforward way.

I think he and I are looking for different things in a relationship, and so I doubt I was the best choice of boyfriend for him, either. He didn't say anything about that tonight, in fact, he didn't really say anything at all, just that he had sensed I might be thinking along these lines. I can't be sure exactly what he's looking for, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't it, and that added to my frustration.

I really don't know how he's feeling. He wouldn't say anything, didn't want to talk about it. It was always difficult for us to talk about anything that might be unpleasant. He left almost immediately. I don't know if he'll call me anymore, or just write me off.

This is pretty vague, I know, but that's for a couple reasons. First, I've thought about this enough that my reasons for deciding to break up are pretty firmly established in my mind, so I don't feel the need to commit them to the screen for future reference. And secondly, I want to respect his privacy. I am comfortable being pretty open about myself in this journal, but being open about other people is a little more touchy. If I didn't like him, I'd tell all, but since I do care about him and would still enjoy doing things with him, I'll keep the stuff that's just between us right where it belongs.I think that's enough for one night.

First, let me say this:

ONLY 400 DAYS UNTIL THE 2002 WINTER OLYMPIC GAMES IN SALT LAKE CITY!!!!

There, I got that off my chest.

Now, as to those Christmas gifts...The "theme" I was going for this year was things I've enjoyed, so I will give them to my friends so we can share that experience. As a result, there were a lot of music and books given to friends this year.Well, Andy is reading this novel I got him called Like People In History. One of the things I really like about it is how it follows gay life from the 50s into the 80s. It's very interesting to see how the culture has changed over time, and it kind of helps me understand gay folks who are older than me. Something Andy said over coffee tonight about arrogant well-to-do people reminded me of some things I've read about in older gay literature, the "rich queens" or the "A-list" people. It seems like there are a lot of characters in gay novels (especially Armisted Maupin's and Felice Picano's from the 70s and 80s) who are rich, bitchy, materialistic old queens. Like every other group, this type exists in the straight world just as much as in the gay one, but because we're a smaller group, it's easier to see these stuck up bastards.

You know the ones I'm talking about: they have money, a big house, fly first class everywhere, throw expensive parties. Now, don't get me wrong, if you've gone out into the world and done well for yourself, by all means use the money to enjoy life. But the ones I'm talking about are the ones so caught up in materialism that little else matters, AND they like to make sure you know how much they have. And they're usually pretty snobby about it, too. I recently heard someone comment on a club as being "oh, just full of twinks." As if that's a BAD thing, heh heh heh!! But he was really looking down on young people in general. Well, guess what? Those twinks generally care more about other people than about "things," are much more fun to be around, and are just as likely to be there for you in the bad times as in the good. So what if they don't have money? So what if they don't buy $200 shoes on impulse? So what if they're just as happy to crash on a friend's couch as they would be in a five-star hotel? Frankly, I'd rather be with someone who doesn't demand that everything be perfect than with someone who's going to find fault with everything.

And who the hell appointed these people "A-list"? Themselves? I'd rather measure someone by what they contribute to the world around them than by the size of their bank account or the fact that they trade in their car every year for a new one.

Maybe some of this is geographic: someone once told me that, on the East Coast, when someone says "What do you do?," they're talking about your job. On the West Coast, they're asking what you do for fun. But I don't know, I saw this in Colorado as well as DC and Atlanta.

This might be one reason that I prefer to spend time with folks my own age and younger. My friends generally aren't too hung up on materialism, and even though some of my friends have six-figure incomes or have made some good investments, you'd never know it from their lifestyles. Perhaps it's a mid-life crisis kind of thing, like they need to prove to themselves that they're better than others, so they like to rub others' noses in what they have.

Who knows? All I know is, we ended up with an enlightening conversation tonight. Though I hope I ranted and raved less at the coffehouse than I did here. =)

So, today was a "Gap" day.

First, I had gotten a couple sweaters in the mail yesterday from GapOnline. Naturally, these are sweaters I would have enjoyed having before Christmas, but I had waited until they went on sale because I'm a cheap bastard. I mean, "thrifty." I'm thrifty. Yeah, that's it.

So I wore my green turtleneck with some black pants. Andy's only comment was, "wow, that's bright."

Good, bright is what I was going for.

So Tracy came to pick us up because we were going to help him pick out clothes with his Banana Republic gift certificates (which he got for his birthday...in July) and then we were going to find me something at Gap that I could get with the GiftCard I got for Christmas.

Now, I don't shop for clothes very often, so this is fun for me. However, we get to Banana Republic and Tracy says, "no, I'm not ready for this, let's go to Gap." You see, Tracy shops for clothes even less than I do. So we go to Gap, they make fun of me because I'm trying on pants with a smaller waist size than them, THEN they make fun of me because I asked the young Asian Gap employee a question (okay, I admit it, I find Asian guys cute, but I really did have a question!) and then finally we found me a lightweight jacket which will be nice in the spring, seeing as I don't have a lightweight jacket, and so now I can actually leave my building and be comfortable.

After the alarm went off as we were leaving (oops, let's remember to take that tag off next time!!) I figured we were headed to Banana. But as we got there, Tracy says, "no, I have to do this alone." Which is exactly the opposite of what he had said yesterday.

Is it any wonder we're friends? I love this guy. It helps so much to have someone here who's slightly crazier than me. Than I. Whatever.

All my friends are so cool. I talked to Kenneth today, and his play is going well. My friend Tom is headed over here so we can go to dinner -- we haven't seen each other in about 2 months, which is roughly 59 days too long. Tomorrow I'm checking out a gallery with a friend. And hopefully I'll see Michael and Steven tomorrow night since I ended up not going out with them last night (so that I could go dancing instead -- which I ended up not even doing! I am so lazy sometimes!).

Of course, Andy did tell me he'll be out of town for my birthday next weekend, but I'll deal with him later.

My life may be boring to read about, but with all these friends, it's pretty exciting to me!

All these free museums within the Smithsonian, yet I keep going back to a gallery where I have to pay. Despite a degree in economics, I don't seem to be very financially bright.

But the Corcoran Gallery has some really good exhibitions, so I keep going back. Like today. A friend and I checked out the Andy Warhol exhibit. The first time I had seen any of Warhol's stuff was in New York last month, but today I got to see three big rooms full of his representation of modern culture from the 50s through the 80s.

That man was odd. But very talented. He had a thing for death. And banal stuff, like girdle advertisements and soup cans. And it was very intriguing to see how he viewed the things that we see every day and never give a second thought.

So basically, a pretty good day.

Tom and I had fun at dinner last night. We ended up talking until past midnight. I had really needed to sit and talk with someone about what happened with River, and it was good to get it out of my system. I haven't heard from him, and I don't know if I will. His brother's visiting, so he may not feel like calling me now, or he may just not feel like talking to me anymore at all. His decision.

Michael, Steven and Andy were here for Queer As Folk tonight. New episode, and it's giving me a little more insight into gay people. Here are these characters, in their late 20s and early 30s, and they've never been on dates. They just pick up tricks in a bar or meet guys for sex, I guess. Are there really that many gay people who don't date? Sure, some of my younger friends have told me they've never been on a real date, but these are guys who are 18 or 19. Most of my friends seem to lead normal dating lives. Are we the exception, or are the QAF characters?

And are there a lot of gay men planning vacations to Pittsburgh now? (Andy's question, not mine)

8 Jan 2001
2 years, 8 days, 3.5 hours

That's how long I lived in Alabama. And no, that's not an estimate. It's for real.

If you're ever going to call someone in Alabama, and you're trying to figure out what time it is there, remember that no matter where you are, Alabama is 30 years behind.

In the musical Rent the cast asks the question, "how do you measure a year?" Do you measure it by minutes? (525,600 minutes...) No, you measure it in love.

In Alabama, you measure a year by the number of visits you make to Waffle House at 3am (approximately 162).

If it's not patently obvious, I did not care for Alabama. I was there for a job that was ultimately going to lead to my doctoral program. I was not there because I wanted to be there, I was there for what came afterwards.

It's tough being gay there. Hell, it's tough being literate there. Thank the goddess for Atlanta, only 2 short hours away.

A couple of friends suggested to me that I let the place get to me more than I should have. They're probably right. Of course, they were in slightly different situations from mine. But yeah, I probably did let it get to me too much.

There were some bright spots there. And I was reminded of that tonight.

My friend Fritz had to come to DC to give a presentation at the Pentagon tomorrow. He gets up here every 2-3 months, but due to scheduling problems I hadn't seen him since the fall. Fritz and I worked together in Alabama and were the two most junior people in the office, and we had pretty much the same perspective on things, which unfortuantely was not shared by the other 96% of the people there. That, needless to say, was very frustrating. It was tough for us to get any of our ideas through the system, so we used a "good cop, bad cop" method (I was "bad cop") to gain acceptance of our concepts. People would often comment that they had seen us skulking around the hallways, but they never seemed to realize we were manipulative little bastards playing them like finely tuned violins. In the end, we pretty much achieved what we wanted, though I trashed much of my social reputation in the process while Fritz became well-loved (which was probably his plan all along. LOL). But now I'm in grad school in DC and he's still there, so I get the last laugh.

Fritz became a really great friend. He was the only person at work that I was "out" to. We could talk about anything. I could hand him drafts of my work and he'd give me honest feedback. He could feel comfortable asking me anything about being gay. It was tough hanging out with him socially, as he had a family, while I was off doing my thing. But we had a really tight bond there, and it's nice to see that it still exists.

There were other great things there, too. My friend Carol moved there from Colorado for my last year, and we had a blast (she became a certified "fag hag," a term she hates and which she will now get mad at me for using). My friend Sean (not the nearly-naked one on my website, but a straight Sean instead) was there for my first year, so at least I had someone to go eat sushi with (Sean and his wife are now in DC, more proof that everybody wants to be near me). For three months I was half of a beautiful relationship that was just beginning to grow when it crashed and burned without warning. I also had a great roommate for a short time, who unfortunately has since drifted out of my life. And finally, I gained a lot of professional experience that has helped me immensely.

So I make fun of Alabama, but only because they deserve it. Hey, somebody has to make Mississippi look good!!! But as always, I have to remember that there were some very good things there, too. I'm glad Fritz was here tonight to remind me of that. =)

Anybody know if there's a Waffle House nearby???

I had all kinds of stuff to write about tonight, but I'm not sure I can remember all of it. Let's give it a shot, shall we?

Well, the big thing that happened today was that I heard from River. He sent me an e-mail this afternoon, and we sent a couple more e-mails back and forth. Then he gave me a call tonight, and in fact, we just got off the phone. He apologized for "disappearing" for a few days, but he needed a chance to think through some things, not just about us, but about himself. It sounds like he feels a lot better now than I'm sure he did for the past few days. I reassured him that when I say I want to keep building our friendship, I mean that, and I think he was somewhat relieved to hear that. Tonight we just caught up on what each other had been doing for the last week; he's had his brother in town since Friday, so he's had a more interesting time than I. I'm going to meet his brother this weekend, which will be nice, as seeing them together will show me another aspect of River. Also, he's coming over Thursday night so we can talk about what happened and he can share some of the things that have been going through his mind the last month or so. I think that will be good for both of us, and it will certainly strengthen our friendship. Breakups suck, but if you've developed a good friendship, there's no sense in losing that, too.

Also, he's still planning to go with the group for my birthday this Saturday. A bunch of us are going to see my friend Kenneth's play downtown. Unfortunately, Andy will be out of town, Nick will be in a play of his own, and Scott is going to another party, but there will still be plenty of folks to help me celebrate another year of decadence.

Speaking of Kenneth, he took me to lunch at a cool Vietnamese place yesterday where they serve "fuh." (OK, I don't know how to spell it in Vietnamese, that's as close as I can get to the phonetic spelling!) It's a Vietnamese beef soup, and it's REALLY good. It was cool to hear him ordering for us in Vietnamese. One of the things I need to do while I'm here is experience some of these cultures that I haven't seen much of before. For instance, Tet (the Vietnamese New Year) is in a couple weeks, and I've been invited to do some stuff during that. And the Chinese New Year is coming up, too. I should take advantage of this while I'm in DC, I don't think I'm going to get a lot of Asian culture once I return to Colorado!

Michael and Steven will be along for my birthday, but it seems they'll be doing it solo. They broke up Sunday night, actually, while they were still in my building. I swear, this place must give off some bad vibes or something!! They both seem OK with it, it was an amicable breakup where they both just realized that after 8 months, the relationship wasn't going to move forward anymore. Frankly, I think I was more upset about it than they were!

Well, I think I actually remembered all the important stuff. But if not, I can always come back later and edit this entry. Or maybe I already did...

10 Jan 2001
You know what's strange?

I'll tell you what's strange: seeing a guy in the office at your apartment building who looks like he's signing a new lease, and realizing you recognize him from his PlanetOut profile about a year ago.

Of course, what's even stranger is telling the whole world that you actually recognize people from their online personals.

It's a good thing the whole world doesn't read my journal. 'Cuz that could be downright embarassing.

Today was a good "I'm on break so I'm going to explore the city" day. I met Andy for lunch, then visited the National Building Museum. Did you even know there's a National Building Museum? Well, there is, and it's free, and it's pretty cool. There was an exhibition about DC's dual personality as a symbol as well as a city, which talked about the development of DC as the capital and the impact on the citizens who lived here. Now I'm full of fun little facts I can whip out at a party. Like, did you know that when the Lincoln Memorial was dedicated, the speaker at the ceremony (who was black) had to sit in a segregated area that was across the street from the area reserved for the white guests? Wow, trivia like that is SURE to get me the guys!!!

Then later I headed down to SoHo for coffee and to look at cute boys. The coffee was better than the cute boys. But since most people are actually still working at 3:30pm, I shouldn't be too surprised.

DC is playing host to the MidAtlantic Leather Weekend on Thursday through Sunday. Is the fact that it's the same weekend as my birthday supposed to be telling me something? Are all these bears, daddies, masters, slaves, and wannabes coming here just for me? And wouldn't it be funnier if they held it NEXT weekend instead, during the Inauguration????

I wonder if I'll see bubble-butted, leather-thong-wearing boys at Velvet Saturday night?

11 Jan 2001
Pictures and Books and Talks

Here's a tip: don't put your picture up on Am I Hot Or Not? unless you are prepared for honest feedback. If you're looking for ego-stroking, you'd best go somewhere else, as you might be horribly disappointed. If, on the other hand, you're prepared for the idea that a couple hundred people might rate you as 7.2 out of 10, on average, then by all means go for it.

Of course, this is all hypothetical. It's not like I'd post a pic there or anything.

I headed out to school today to check in with a couple professors and buy some textbooks. My estimated total for three classes (I still have to buy for the third one) is about $400. That would be my cheapest semester yet!

I had a LOT of trouble sleeping last night. That's the second night in a row, we'll see what happens tonight. Not a happy thing, especially since my little ass needs to be getting up and working starting next week. Play time is almost ever; it's about time to start my last semester of classes!!

I talked to Tom tonight, and he's unable to come to my little birthday get-together this weekend. It looks like 6 of us are headed to Kenneth's play, but I feel like going to Velvet Nation afterwards, and I may be going by myself. Hmmmm, there's something wrong about going to a club alone on your birthday! But maybe some cute guy will wrap himself in a bow and give me a present!!!

River came over tonight so we could talk about stuff. He told me some of the things that have been going on with him, some of the reasons he seemed distant and uncommunicative. I was able to relate to him some of what I had been feeling, how I was getting frustrated and was afraid of taking it out on him by snapping at him or being overly sarcastic. I think our friendship can grow when we don't have the pressure of trying to force a romantic relationship to work when it just isn't the right thing for either of us.

A friend told me he'd been very surprised by the breakup, in part because he'd read little in my journal about my growing frustration. Well, there's a reason for that. When I decided to make this a public journal (rather than one of the many anonymous journals out there) I realized that there would be things I wouldn't talk much about. I'm careful when talking about others in here because I need to respect their privacy. While most of the folks who read this are people I've never met, or friends who are far away, there are a few local friends who follow it too. I need to be careful talking about people whom they know, people who may not want their lives splashed on this page. One of my reasons for keeping this journal was so my friends all over the country can keep up with what's going on in my life. By making it public though, and linking to it from my website, I accepted that I might not always be able to be totally forthcoming here. But that's okay. The important stuff is in my head.

I love my friend Kevin. We've known each other over 10 years, and he means a LOT to me. And just in case I ever need a reminder why I love him so much, well, I got one today:

hee hee hee I love getting flowers. I believe it has happened 4 times in my life. Well, okay, 5.

Kevin is so cool. He and his partner live in Omaha, which also happens to be where I went to high school. He wants me to come for a visit, and I was thinking that recently as well. But I think I'll wait a while; Omaha in the winter is NOT something I feel like tackling right now. I think that would be a good summertime trip.

Today was another "go do things I haven't done yet" day. I went to the Newseum, a museum across the street from the USA Today building, which is a couple miles down the street from me. It was pretty cool, there is an exhibit right now of Pulitzer Prize-winning photos that's very interesting. I remembered some of the events from when they happened, but many of them were older than me. For the ones that I did remember, though, it was intriguing to try to remember what I was doing when I first heard about that story, like the Reagan assasination attempt or the Challenger explosion. Just a little trip down memory lane.

But first I had lunch with Michael, and we went across the street from his office for sushi at Cafe Asia, the third time I've been there in a week. The guy who brought us our food was a VERY attractive man, in cute tight clothes and with a wonderful body, and showing a bit more skin than the rest of the staff. I later found out that this was Sean, the owner/manager that Kenneth had told me about. Oh my. Kenneth's description did NOT do him justice, he was much hotter than I expected. Just one more piece of evidence that Kenneth and I have different tastes when it comes to guys.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind a few spankings tonight. But then people would know how old I am.

I got a birthday greeting today from The Witches Voice, a website I belong to. They had a description of Capricorns that was eerily correct in my case:

They forgot really horny, but perhaps that goes without saying.

River got here a few minutes ago and brought me flowers (YAY!!!!) and a very special poem he wrote for me. Michael and Steven are (hopefully) each on the way, though Michael just called to ask if he should dress up (as for me, I'm wearing my leather pants, only because I don't wear them often, and NOT because it's MidAtlantic Leather Weekend in DC). Dinner, play, cake, dancing...should be a GREAT birthday!

Birthday festivities started a little late, but even though we missed the first couple scenes of Kenneth's play, we still did everything we planned. The play was very fun: Shakespeare set in Roswell, New Mexico, circa 1947. How very X-Files of them. The critic on DigitalCity was right, Kenneth played his part with a "delicate sweetness." He was really, really good; his facial expressions were great, his timing was right on, and you really believed he was a gay sailor (which, since he's already gay, wasn't that much of stretch!!). Oh, sure, the other people in the play were okay too, I guess, but in my opinion Kennth stole the show. Then again, I'm biased.

So we headed over to Tracy and Steven's for wine that tasted remarkably like grape soda (so they said; I stuck with Rolling Rock myself) and some very good ice cream cake. The boys even sang Happy Birthday, and I managed to blow all the candles out (no, they didn't put 35 candles on there -- that would've melted the cake!!) so hopefully my wish will come true. Lord knows I deserve it. =)

Then Kenneth and I went out to Velvet. We ran into a friend of his there who also happened to be a 2000 UVA grad (who told me I seemed much younger than my true age, so he is my new best friend). Kenneth went off for a bathroom break, and we didn't see him again for an hour and a half!! I wish people wouldn't disappear in clubs like that, but it turned out he'd run into an old friend and was having a good time under the big disco ball, so hey, as long as he was having a good time, that's all that mattered. And it gave Adrian (his UVA friend) and I a chance to talk. I ran into a couple folks I know while looking around for him, and I managed to get home around 4. Lotsa fun!

Today was a "go into the District" day. River's brother is here so we went down to the Smithsonian and then over to a gallery in Dupont Circle. Then it was back here for Sunday night TV with the boys. Unfortunately, no Queer as Folk tonight. Showtime is having a free preview weekend, so I guess they didn't want to offend any potential subscribers. Remember their new slogan: Showtime -- No Limits. Unless it's about gay people.

"go" on Wednesday.

It's almost time to go back to school. I hope I sucked all the enjoyment out of this break that I could, because it'll be over in a few hours.

This will be my last semester of classes. After this, I have to take some exams this summer, then spend the next year working on my dissertation -- essentially, writing a book. That will be quite different from what I'm doing now, as it will mean even less structure in my life than I currently have.

Fun, yes. But sometimes, difficult to motivate myself, too. An interesting challenge.

Thanks to all who have sent birthday wishes these last few days!!!! As I wrote Sunday, I had a very good birthday, with some friends sharing some very special thoughts with me. And Andy still wants to take me to dinner. Woo hoo!!

I didn't write an entry yesterday because I got a late phone call. I generally try to write in this thing just before going to bed, but River called about 11:15 and we ended up talking until almost 2am. After that, I headed straight to bed. He has some stuff going on that I think he needed to talk about, and while I might not always be able to offer good advice, at least I can offer an ear. River may be stressed right now, but I can tell you that I was pretty messed up when I was 26 (I had just come out, and I was a wreck -- just ask Andy, who really helped put the pieces back together), so it's not that unusual. There come different points in your life where you suddenly stop and take stock of things, and wonder what it all means. For me, that happens approximately every 6 minutes. River has a lot of really great things going on in his life; in fact, most people do, though they often focus instead on the things that aren't going quite right. The sense of perfectionism that often leads us to very successful lives can also be the reason we get so down about the few things that aren't perfect. That's something I've definitely had to deal with in my job, in school, and in my personal life.

I was e-mailing a friend today and got onto what I think is an interesting topic. My straight friends often seem surprised by the ability of gay men to remain friends after breaking off a dating relationship. I think, though, that I may have figured out why that is. For straight folks, it seems like you stick with your own gender for friends, and the opposite gender for lovers. In the gay world, though, we often prefer our own gender for both friends AND lovers. If we couldn't be friends with potential/past lovers, then who would we be friends with?

Every time I think gay people and straight people really aren't all that different, something like this comes up.

I got to talk to my college roommate today. Dave had called me while I was out on my birthday, and I had forgotten to get back to him. He called again today, and we had a chance to chat. Sounds like things are going pretty well for him, and it looks like he'll be here for a visit in March (he's from DC, but lives in Colorado now). YAY!!!

Dave and I got into a very strange habit starting in 1993. He called me on my birthday, and we talked for over an hour (he was living in Atlanta at that time, while I was in Cheyenne, Wyoming). At no time during the phone call did he ever say "happy birthday." Needless to say, I thought that odd. So after we hung up I waited a few minutes for him to call back, thinking this was just some little joke. Then I waited a few minutes more. And then a few minutes more.

And then I called him. I asked him if there wasn't some special reason he had picked today to call. He said no, he had just called for no reason at all, just to talk. Then I reminded him it was my birthday. He felt pretty bad about it, but we both thought it was pretty funny (well, HE thought it was funny, but I was crushed and almost went on a shooting spree around the city, but I couldn't find my car keys, and besides, it's cold in Cheyenne in January).

So on HIS birthday, July 30th, I called him up. Just to chat. No reason at all. And about 10 minutes after hanging up I called him back to wish him a happy birthday, because of course I wouldn't forget such a thing. So the custom now is to call each other on the birthday "for no reason at all," talk for about an hour or so, and then call back later with the birthday wishes.

Hey, ya gotta take your fun where you can find it!

Of course, upon further reflection, I can't get too pissed at him for forgetting my birthday in '93. 'Cuz we usually called each other on our birthdays anyway, but I didn't in July '92. Because that night I was having sex. With a guy. For the first time. So I was a little busy.

I told Dave about it the next day, and he said "I figured you were getting laid, and that's why you didn't call."

But I will forever remember the date of the first time I had sex with a man, because it was on Dave's birthday.

And because of that...Dave will always remember it, too.

I had something really pithy to say about my first class tonight, but I want to think about it a bit more, so I'll wait until tomorrow. Plus, I just talked about sex, and I don't want to discuss sex and school in the same entry. Those are two things that definitely don't need to go together.

Well, I heard from a couple of old friends today. First was Jonathan in Colorado, who is only 24, and thus not "old" by most standards. I knew Jonathan and his partner Scott when I lived in Colorado (I even went on a date with Scott once...at least, I thought it was a date, though I don't think he did). Anyway, Jonathan was bored and surfing the net and decided to check out my website to see what I'm up to. Then he sent me an e-mail, to which I replied pretty quickly, and he followed that with a phone call. It was good to talk to him again and catch up on what's going on out there. Even though I'm going to miss DC when I graduate, I will enjoy being back with my Colorado friends.

Then when I got back from class tonight there was a voicemail from Dave, my college roommate. He apparently wanted to debate a point I made in my journal the other night about how people tend to be friends with people of the same gender (and he seems to be wondering why gay men don't tend to be friends with women instead of other men...I can tell this is going to be an interesting conversation when we have it!). I must say, it warms my heart to know that not only are people reading my journal, but they are getting so worked up over something they read that they are calling me.

I got an e-mail from someone today in Singapore to whom I'd sent a note after stumbling across him on the Web the other day. That was cool, he sent me a link to his website, and he sounds like a pretty cool guy. I need to go look at it more closely. I also got an e-mail out of the blue from a guy in Malaysia who was surfing and found my site. He invited me to come chat with him on ICQ, but there's just one small problem: I'm not on ICQ (or on IRC, for that matter). I looked at downloading the ICQ software, but it sounds like it's a memory hog, and since I'm already running a webcam I didn't know how well ICQ would work with my 64MB of RAM. Could it possibly be time to upgrade already???

I went to my Thursday night classes and both of them are going to be good. Funny thing about my courses this semester: I don't have any exams. Not one. Of course, I have a pair of 30 page papers, another 15 pager, some case studies, about 400 pages of reading a week, I have to attend some Congressional hearings, and then give a paper at a conference at the UN. But no exams. That's kind of nice, except it means I'll get hardly any feedback until I turn in my papers at the end of the semester. But hey, no pressure!!

I'm still thinking about some stuff that went on in Wednesday's class. I had an immediate reaction to one of the other students, and what disturbs me is that I think I'm becoming an academic snob. I'm going to think this one over before I write anything more about it, as I want to figure out what I'm REALLY thinking, and why.

So. We have a new President.

I watched the Inauguration ceremony today. One of my professors was supposed to be on TV, but I haven't seen her yet. I need to head out to school for a bit, so if she's going to be on later, I guess I'll miss her. Oh well, I get to see her every week anyway.

The parade is supposed to start in about half an hour. It's raining downtown, which is one reason I decided not to go. Also, I don't have a gas mask handy, and since I don't know what the 20,000 protestors are going to do, I think I'll stay away. Just to be safe.

It's interesting to be in the nation's capital right now. In fact, it occurred to me yesterday just how cool it is to be here at all. What an amazing place to live. So much of all that's important to the world happens here. For my research projects I interview assistant Cabinet secretaries and senior military officers. For homework, I go to Congresssional hearings. I go dancing, and people come in from Inauguration parties. Surreal, but cool.My decision not to go to the Inauguration had more to do with the weather and the hassles (and with the fact that I saw Bush Sr's Inauguration in '89) than it does with the fact that I didn't vote for the new President. It's no secret that I don't have a good feeling about this guy. But at the same time, I think we need to remember that he IS the president, and as such deserves at least a bare minimum of support. He may be a doofus, but he's OUR doofus. Something else that I think is VERY important to remember is that, despite the confusion of the election, we are going to have an orderly transition of power. We take that for granted here, but just look around the world and see how rare that truly is. Ongoing confusion in Peru and Ecuador, the potential for a coup in the Phillipines, the assasination of a president in Congo...all of this has been going on within the last week. We live in a pretty incredible country, and we need to remember that and appreciate it. Yes, there are other countries that are pretty great, like Britain, Canada, Australia, Singapore, and others that are stable in their own way, but let's face it, whether we were born here or emigrated here, we are pretty damn lucky to live in the United States. My studies over the last couple years have really reinforced that belief.

I'll admit it...when I saw Bill Clinton's farewell at Andrews Air Force Base today, as he was getting ready to climb on the plane and fly off, I felt an incredible sadness. What an amazing 8 years. And yet, there was a feeling of lost opportunity, of "might have beens." So much potential was wasted by his character flaws. I appreciate everything he did, and I'm going to miss him. And I sincerely hope the new guy can exceed my low expectations. =)

There will be more to write today, I'm sure. But I wanted to get these thoughts down while the feelings were still fresh.

Just a quiet night at home with a couple videos. No surprise...once the Republicans come to town, ya know the party's over.

Well, not really. It's just that it's snowing out, the traffic in DC is a mess right now because of closed roads, and because there are buses, limos, cops and motorcades everywhere running people around to all the inaugural balls. It ain't worth the hassle.

Anyway, I went out last night. After dinner and a movie with Andy and Scott, I decided to head out to Badlands. Glad I did, too, 'cuz DJ Julian Marsh was there, and it was very fun. They've redone Badlands since the last time I was there, and I like it. Even the karaoke sounds better!!

My friend Kenneth was there after his play last night, and we danced for a while before he disappeared on me. I ended up dancing much of the night with a cute boy named Albert, who I think really just wanted to hang out by himself.

Oh, and as part of Marsh's intro, a big (and bitchy) drag queen was singing "Loving You" by Jon Stamos. Frankly, Jon Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos did a better job. But at least no mules exploded. (those who watch South Park will understand that!)

Here are a couple of Club Ettiquette tips that I have put to use recently:

This is my second entry today. I felt the need earlier to comment on the Inauguration. But after listening to it on the radio, seeing it on TV, and dealing with tuxedoed limo passengers all day, I'm over it now.

I went out to school today to grab something from the library and also sign up for free student tickets for a bunch of concerts and plays this semester. I knew that student ID would be useful for something (I use it more for free stuff than for checking out library books!). River kept me company, which was nice 'cuz I'd hate to spend my Saturday afternoon alone if I don't really need to.

But I do have to do homework Sunday.

Michael came over tonight and we grabbed dinner. He's off to the Carribbean tomorrow for a week. I think I hate him (we're getting 3-6 inches of snow tonight). But I don't mind being alone tonight. Most of my friends are either out of town, have other plans, or don't want to drive through the DC streets to get here. And that's cool. 'cuz I need a little Bill-time.

Oh, and Virginia beat Missouri in basketball today. We're undefeated in non-conference play (and ranked 13th). Now, if we could just get those conference games to work out right...

I just spent 20 minutes writing a journal entry, then when I went to save the file, something happened and it didn't save.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Forget it. I'm tired. I'll try again when I get up Monday morning.

Well, I worked all day Monday, then was out late Monday night, so I never got around to recreating Sunday's journal entry that disappeared into the ether. Then I was going to do it tonight. But right now I'm just not in the mood.

My grandmother passed away tonight. She had been in Intensive Care the last 12 days.

Apparently, when she got one of her prescriptions refilled, the pharmacist put the wrong pills in the bottle. She was taking something once a day that should be taken no more than once a week. So basically, she O.D.'d. After she passed out, they took her to the hospital, and put her in the ICU. The doctors thought she'd pass the stuff out of her system and be fine, but then last week she started having strokes, and I guess she just decided that she'd had enough. She'd been pretty out of it for about a week.

So, that's where my head is right now. I'm really going to miss her. She was my grandfather's second wife (we lost my natural grandmother when I was 15, and my grandfather passed away last June) and so I only knew Violet for about 18 years. But that's a long, long time, and I loved her very much.

I miss her already.

Chinese New Year, that is (or Tet, if you're Vietnamese). Now begins the year of the Snake. So hugs and "hisses" to all you Snakes out there!

On Sunday I went to a Tet festival where my friend Kenneth's mom was running a booth. It was pretty cool; I definitely need to take the opportunity that DC offers to learn about different Asian cultures. Anyway, Kenneth said a couple things that suprised me. First, after I got there, he said, "you know, everyone's looking at you because you're white." OK, that kind of surprised me, I guess because I don't think of Asian folks as non-white. But after he told me that, I looked around and, sure enough, I was just about the only white person there. And yes, people were looking at me. So Kenneth said, "stand over here by my mom's table so people will come to look at you, and then see what we're selling." Great, now I'm not just a minority, I'm a token minority.

But it's good to have that experience every now and then, 'cuz it makes you realize how some people feel in situations every day.

The other thing he said later was, "I think my mom knows you're gay." Now, I had just met his mom for the first time, and all I did was shake hands and say "it's nice to meet you." How do you get gay from that? I mean, puh-leeze, Miss Thang, I almost bitch-slapped him right there...no, never mind, I can't even TYPE gay. But he said he figured she picked up on it. Whatever. Maybe I do give off a gay vibe. If so, then how come all the cute gay boys at school don't pick up on it? (scary thought: maybe they do, and just ignore it!)

Speaking of friends and their opinions, I was talking to Tracy Sunday night after Queer as Folk, and we were commenting on how we knew a bunch of people who were reflected in the characters on that show (and also, how there are some people we know who aren't reflected on QAF, so no, not all gay people are like you see there). We know a "Ted," and we recognize the "Brian and Michael Syndrome." Then I asked the question I shouldn't ask:

So, which one is me?

His answer: Justin

Excuse me? JUSTIN???????

Well, maybe it's a compliment. At least he didn't say "Ted."

I've said it before and I'll say it again: some of us came to a doctoral program because we lack the social skills necessary to function in the real world.

I'm not excluding myself from that group. I'm sure there are those who will tell you I'm odd. But if I am, then lordy lordy, some of these other folks are just plain weird!!

Maybe it's just me, but when I hear someone say "one of my hobbies is Balkan history," then I know that's somebody who needs to be watched. Closely. I mean, c'mon, photography is a hobby. Stamp collecting is a hobby. Sex can be a very fun hobby (unless you get paid for it, then you lose your amatuer status). But "Balkan history"? Give me a break.

I have this one lady in a class on peacekeeping operations. She is a building planner, whatever that is ("I think we should plan to put a building...THERE.") And her hobby is Balkan history. And going to jazz clubs. Okay, so that second part is kinda cool. But now she's in a graduate program, never having had any academic exposure to this stuff, or having been "on the ground" with a relief agency or a military group. All she knows is what she's read on her own and seen on CNN. And she's kinda pretentious, always putting a foreign accent on the name of another country. Strange. But anyway, she has an extremely narrow view of the world, is very unfamiliar with most of the subject matter, and tends to argue based on emotion rather than on any kind of analysis. That's fine when you're sitting around BS'ing with your friends, but not in a graduate program where we are all trying to learn from each other as well as from the professor. Now, I've gone into some classes in my master's and PhD programs where I didn't know much about the subject. That's to be expected; after all, if we already knew all this stuff, we wouldn't need to go to class. The difference, though, is that I realize I don't know a lot about the subject, so I tend to use my ears more than my mouth. This lady, though, acts like her ears are merely ornamental.

Part of it, I think, is that I'm becoming kind of an academic snob. I've busted my ass to get to where I am, and I want to be challenged further. So to have the academic level of a class come down because of one person is a little demoralizing. It's kind of like being in high school and being really smart and having the school refuse to offer any sort of gifted or AP program, so you miss out on some really cool stuff.

On a related issue, though, I have changed my attitudes (and lost some snobbishness) over the last year because of some friends. I think I used to kind of look down on people who went to college then went into jobs where a college degree didn't seem to require a college degree. Something like a flight attendant, or a hair stylist. Well, I have changed my thoughts on that 180 degrees. I realize, first of all, that a lot of people in jobs like that DO have degrees, which surprised me at first, but not anymore. I have a number of flight attendant friends, for instance, and ALL of them have degrees. So you wonder, why bother going to college if that's what you're going to do?

Well, my first thought was that they have set themselves up for future advancement. A flight attendant who wants to move into airline management, or a hair stylist who wants to open a salon, can certainly use the education.

But then I realized that perhaps there was something else. Maybe these folks didn't just go to college so they could go get a job with their degree. Maybe they went to college to get...an education. What a novel concept. Getting an education for the sake of being educated. Shouldn't that be the main goal of college: to get an education, rather than to get a job and a bigger paycheck? If anything, these folks went to school for the right reasons, while most of us go for materialistic reasons.

In case you're wondering why I'm rambling on about all this stuff, it's because I haven't been able to sleep the last 2 nights, and I'm afraid to go to bed because I know it's going to happen again. And I have to get up very early to drive down to my grandmother's funeral. So I'm just trying to avoid going to bed. But it's 1am, and I have to drive 4 hours tomorrow, so maybe I should try to get some sleep. Wish me luck.

Andy was out of town for my birthday a couple weeks ago (according to the rules, he and Tracy cannot both celebrate my birthday at the same time. Last year it was Tracy's turn to disappear, so this year, Andy went to New York). He took me to dinner at Cafe Asia tonight, where I hadn't gone for 8 days, setting the record for the most number of consecutive days without eating at Cafe Asia in 2001. We had a very nice time, and the staff was extra cute tonight. Most importantly, though, I got carded. Hee hee, Happy Birthday to me!!!

On the way home we went by 2 video stores looking for a movie I have to watch for class on Thursday. It was checked out at both places. This is a little Australian film made in 1980; I can't believe it's in high demand. I can only assume it's someone else from my class. But there are only 11 of us, and we don't all live in the same neighborhood. What's the deal?

Speaking of research, I got an interesting little e-mail last week. Here it is:

Hello Bill this is Wendy, and I am just struggling on my research project on gays and lesbians. I personally am not a lesbian, but I have had friends who were. Well what I really want to know is if gays/lesbians are born that way or do they become gay/lesbian-as in a trend. Feel free to answer me back if you want, and if you can (it would be nice), can you ask any of your friends the same question and go ahead and send this letter to them if you want-regarding my question (ASAP) Thank You :)

Below is my long-winded response:

Whaddya think? Incidentally, I never heard back from her.

I'm going to get yelled at if I don't update this thing every day. In fact, come to think of it, I have been yelled at (well, mildly critiqued, anyway) over the course of the last week. So I will endeavor to do better. But between schoolwork (and getting sick of sitting in front of the computer) and being out of town, and having friends here 'til late, I haven't been doing a good job of keeping this up to date.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Or something like that.

And speaking of time management, Billy needs to get his ass in gear if Billy is going to get his schoolwork done. Last week things fell apart because of my grandmother's death, and I guess you could say I'm behind this week because I was gone for a couple days for the funeral. But I have to be honest and admit that, more than once in the last few days, I've thought to myself "hey, go ahead and (fill in some activity here). You can always do schoolwork later, it won't take you that long. And you deserve to have some fun." The problem is, once the time arrived when I was planning to get my work done, it has taken longer than expected, and other obligations keep coming up, too.

On the other hand, it's 11 o'clock Wednesday night, I still have 4 chapters to read for Thursday's Organizational Theory class, and instead of reading I'm sitting here typing in my journal. So the moral of the story seems to be that I'm just a lazy bastard.

Tuesday night Adrian and I went to see Shear Madness at the Kennedy Center. It's been playing there for 16 years, and neither of us had seen it, so it seemed like a good idea. And it was! It's a murder mystery that takes place in a hair salon, and it's interactive, meaning the audience is involved in solving the crime. I won't give anything away about how the play progresses, just in case you live in SanFran or NYC or some other place you might see it. Suffice it to say that it was pretty funny and is definitely worth seeing.

Today I found out why my apartment's been a little chilly lately: someone went onto the roof of my building and destroyed my heating unit. The management staff originally thought I was the one that did it (which doesn't make much sense if you think about it for all of two seconds) but now they think the unit was making a lot of noise and someone who lives on the top floor decided to go out there and fix it themselves. I don't know, but I do know I'm looking forward to getting it repaired. I'm on emergency heat right now, so my toes aren't getting too cold. Though I wouldn't mind if someone wanted to cuddle up with me and keep me warm. =)

OK, that's enough. Time to get back to my reading. Or maybe just go to bed, so I can get up early Thursday and get my work done. Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket...